Wednesday, April 15, 2009

"Significant achievements have never been obtained by taking small risks"-John Mason

So,if am going to 'practice what am preaching',then I've got to follow the title above.I can't categorically say 'I take risks',but I love challenges especially intellectual ones.I like to test my intelligence and see how far I can go,which is why I have shelved studying English after nurturing it for years-kind of'puppy love I guess.
Getting the feedback for my English Modules helped focus my attention on the areas to be improved on.Journaling hasn't helped that much as I get to abbreviate and use'my own terms' as I wish.Of course academic writing is very different and that,I haven't done in a long while...almost five years now.Huh!And I don't know if it's "too early to conclude",but I sure haven't been finding distant learning easy.I have to continually remind myself that I've got to do this against all odds.I owe it to myself more than anything or anyone else.This might not be the appropriate time to blog,but I've been studying all day and need a break from the books.I've almost forgottten what it used to feel like.I mean,I practically remind myself when I get doubtful that,I was once a pupil,student and was in College,may be not the best;but wasn't left behind.And am beginning to think this 'distant learning thing' isn't for me.Perhaps,if I had met with other students,interacted and made friends with them,I would be finding it more interesting than I am now.Exams're close-by and I feel like am way over my head.I scaled through in college even as a wife and mother,why should this be different?May be I'd have to call the Counselling Department as I've never been the type to struggle with studies(with the exception of mathematics).Without mentioning it to anyone yet,am already considering other options like being a full time day student attending lectures in the classroom,if it's the same amount.I can call that my fantasy for now as it's only a fickle of my imagination,since I don't call the shots.But in order to erase this thought off my head,things have got to improve because I cannot go on being distrcated when I've got 'work to do'.It surely would have been much better if I wasn't studying from home.Am sure of that,the challenges would be minimal as I'd be more focused.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

HUMAN BEANS-A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
"My father grows beans," said one student."My father cooks beans," said another.Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

I thought I would start off with a joke to reduce the tension...I mean,ease things up a little.I think I get too serious sometimes and actually have to remind myself to'lighten&loosen up a little'.
Alright,so I was able to put in a couple of hours to study.But the truth remains that,whatever's still in my system causing this longer than usual sleep,isn't doing me any good.I don't feel like myself.And I really don't need this now.I can't afford to lay-back,my exams're close by.If I planned creating this blog now,then I'd be doing the right thing at the wrong time.But writing usually isn't something I plan.When I plan to write,it takes a lot more hardwork than when I just 'let it flow naturally'.and to think that I'd suddenly 'regain' my keeness and love for writing at this time?I ordinarily shouldn't be complaining as this is what I had been hoping for-to be able to write 'seriously'i had complained to anyone who cared to listen that I just lost the zest to write since I arrived SA.It was inexplainable 'cause I can't recall being in that situation as long as I can recall.I just didn't get enough inspiration to write like I used to and that felt really strange.And now,am in the middle of my studies with an examination a month away and I ccan't seem to keep my hands off the keyboards....ain't that something!

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoesmare truly endless"-Mother Teresa....May be because am sensitive,emotionally fragile and relatively considerate,I try to pick my expressions because I hate to think I'd hurt anyone deliberately with utterances I can't take back.So,in cases where I know am incapacitated,I try to choose comforting words in expressing myself and sincerely too-no faking here!I never stop to ruminate on High School,it was the period of my life that really left me with imprints,memories and the not-so memorables.A phase of my life that when i look back now,the woulda,shoulda,coulda...words would be inadequate to express.Since these thoughts are lumped together without much connection,I wander to College again.The news I've received of recent's been more about death than birth.And it's not just any death,but deaths of hale and hearty people like someone who just got married in good health but was gunned down,same day.There could be more than meets the eye,but it's worth some emotions all the same..wouldn't wish that on an open enemy.I just had to send words to these bereaved people as i can't be physically there to comfort them.when the words"I understand what you're going through" is used,I question myself about hat sentence because I don't think it's always true.I think what we normally meant to say is that,we understand it's normal for humans to cry for the loss of a loved one,because we would cry too.But we can't really feel what that bereaved feels during the moment of loss.Except of course,we have lost someone that dear to us too.

And what about this,"Time heals all wounds"?To be candid,am more confused about this statement than I undersatnd it because it's been given more than one interpretation.Am not going to try and disect the vers and adjectives in this one.But what i have been able to gather so far'bout this phrase's that,"you will soon begin to live a normal life again".Correct me if am wrong.But from ink and paper or words now to reality,some people 'never' really get over their losses.As simple as the words sound,some people just cut themselves off certain activities especially if the deceased's a spouse.Parents who loses a child sometimes end up going for counselling because it's a very traumatic experience.No parents wishes to bury their child,but it does happen,an inevitable fact of life.So,when it comes to death,there are no"barriers".Age becaomes an ordinary figure,innocence is not a factor and being a criminal doesn't even count.We just keep asking questions we don't get answers for,weep,sob,cry,shout yell at someone,blame anyone we wish and then say life is cruel and unfair.But the unchanging fact is,it is a circle of life that must be completed,not by our own dictates,whims or caprice.It happens and life goes on!
The fear I anticipate internally is what would happen to me if I fall in these people's shoes.I often tell myself that perhaps,am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.That I may handle it better than I think.But I sometimes doubt my strenght because am quite emotional and often shed a few tears when no one's looking over something that could be considered 'trivial'.Well,they say crying can be therapeutic too,so I guess it helps to reminisce sometimes and ponder over things that'd make us appreciate life better.I remember the last time I "really cried" for losing anyone.It was eight years ago,while still at College.It was my first year and I didn't even know this person except that we were colleagues.So what made this case different?

It reminds me again of my peple's saying that God created us(humans) in double images.Well,I used to agree witht hat saying until I found out had more than one 'look-alike'.So,we must have been created doubly,thripply or more than.Some people may not know when they see or meet their look-alike,but am definately not one of those people.I may even be the first person to point it out to friends that someone looks like me...I know it sounds funny though.So this young lad,was one of my look-alikes and I wasn't the only one who saw this resemblance.So much so that I was often confonted and asked if he was my kid brother...I mean,life can be sometimes humourous cos this young lad had a brother,an older blood brother in the College.And it was amazing how no one thought they looked alike until they're told these young men were siblings.And it was so that I grew fond of him and often tend to guide him when he needs some direction.We were half-coursemates too and most of my friends knew him through me.It was quite strange!And it just suddenly happened that he fell sick.I,who people would attest to not falling sick was down at the same time.But I knew I would be back on my feet again.I saw him,looking as cheerful as ever and trying to hide the fact that he needed medical attention but I told him still to go home and get treated.That was the last time I was going to see him.Flashing back now,it still brings tears to my eyes because his life was short-lived.He was just getting started.He didn't live to his eighteenth birthday.He would have been eighteen four months after,if he survived the illness.The news was already all over the school.I was away on weekend and was utterly shattered.I couldn't hold back the tears-I wept!I wept,saying his name and was glad I was able to because there was no amount of comforting anyone could give me at the time.Not letting me mourn my young dear friend would be unjust.And I remember him every year since that tragedy.Myself and some other coursemates paid our condolences to his folks.They were older than I had imagined they were and I wondered how difficult it must have been for them,to be alive to bury their teenage son.I recall the incident very well.I don't think I'll ever forget.What I try to do is accept the loss,not forget my little friend and look-alike!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

OneXplosivGenii: Didn't sleep over it...just slept like a non-troublesome baby

OneXplosivGenii: Didn't sleep over it...just slept like a non-troublesome baby

Didn't sleep over it...just slept like a non-troublesome baby

I would be acting modestly if I mince words in saying my life's not been a roller-coaster.To put it mildly though,it's been dramatic,suspenseful,thrilling,challenging,frustrating,spiritual,fun-filled,unbelievable and I reserve the other adjectives.
Yesterday was one of those days I felt like I was shouldering the world's troubles....that's just like a routine in my life.What I call'business as usual".
Trying to find a balance isn't a walk at the park..but it doesn't mean I should let go.Quitters are never winners if they don't come back to fight another day(my philosophy).
What's this mantra'bout cup half full and empty cup or something like that?Anyway,I do not subscribe to the idea of settling for less when you can have more.However,I also say,"count your blessings" and don't be ungrateful.Life passes us by when we focus more on negativity and neglect the possibilities that lies ahead of us.I know things can be pretty daunting at times.I mean,I am amongst others a living testimony of'miracles' and life's unexpected great expectations (not being exegerative).Even though I sometimes feel like disappearing from the surface of the earth for a short while,something I refer to as an escapade from my endless worries?I am not delusional enough to think life would be what it is if everything goes smoothly (reality check).
I happen to have imbibed the saying of optimists..."God never gives us a burden we can't handle"..may be not exactly in those words,but you get the drift?
I am a worrying wart..wish I could help it most times though.I keep telling myself to let go of the things I can't change.It's been more of a saying than a belief....go figure!
I think I should t"entitle" my next post"the People In My World",it's high time...who knows what tomorrow would bring?Perhaps...somebody would stumble upon my writings after am gone and circulate it for the world to read.That would be fulfilling one of my wishes,God willing.

"The Best Things in Life Are free": As 'cliched' as this phrase sounds...I completely concur one hundred percent.Am not known to join the wagon...but this is my own perspective and I just couldn't agree more.I mean,even if we want to counter-argue this by saying you could'buy' know?like Oxygen?That you can replace a lost or damaged eyeball(s)?That you could replace an amputated leg,arm or even use an Ear-aid for hearing loss?We may even go as far as saying the word"Infertility" is archaic and that a man now bears a baby (may God help me)...Can we deny the fact that,sometimes,even when we can afford the world,people might not necessarily be our friends for our wealth or riches...but just becasue they like us for who we or poor?That even though you want to buy loyalty with money,the same money could make this loyalist betray you?And that in so many places in the world today,some phenomenal individuals have left their high-paying jobs to serve humanity?That even though Medical profession is glamourous...the title a"Doctor"...some Doctors are still in the field to help the less fortunate even though they are not getting the financial rewards?It is actually undeniably more selfless than glamorous..The noble profession,as worldy acclaimed and as "noble" as it is,does not give trainers the monetary returns commensurate to their labour?
How then can we say the best things in life can be bought?The true friendship that exists for all those who have had it and still do,was not bought.It generated because of the immaterial benefits we gain from each other.The sense of belongingness we feel because know someone cares.The joy that makes us glow because we know we can count on someone come what may.
The path my life journey has taken me,made me a better person,a more grateful soul and even though life sometimes hit me hard like an unforeseen rock,throwing me off-balance,I can succintly say..there's much more to life than just gratifying 'selfish wishes...with me,others always count...people count...when you feel like life's not worth living for...don't just throw in the towel...remember the moments in your life when someone made you feel special.That person,no matter who...stranger,friend,colleague,teacher,neighbour..passersby....friend of a friend,acquintance,class or flatmate,your family...anyone...any living soul...just hold on to that..and give life as many chance as possible.Your world doesn't revolve around you alone...Do not make a selfish decision of taking the life you didn't create...someone cares...just give life a chance to find out who that person is!!!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

No hiding place....

I probably wouldn't have been able to focus if I decided to suspend using the Internet for my studies.It seems like yesterday when everyone was sending greetings to their loved ones..ushering in the new year with so much hope.Yeah!H-O-P-E...the famous magical word for non-quitters.It's a good thing I've got my cousin around,it's been therapeutic.It has given me a balance that's been void for a while.And I'll get back to my usual routine when she's gone.That shouldn't be difficult,I always 'bounce back' somehow.

And it also seems not so long ago that I was consumed with the enthusiasm,uncertainty,doubts,lack of self confidence and eventually determination;to proceed with my studies against all odds.And come May,my exams commences God-willing.The almost forgone ideas are coming now that I've got very little time to spare for writing anything besides assignments.I haven't even been able to update my journal for a while now.I tell myself I don't want to be one of those "jack of all,master of none" dreamers.but the truth is,I've never been a'one-ambition' kind of person.I've always been full of ideas most of which are feasible of course.I think I can boldly say i make a distinction between 'fantasy and reality'.I know how many wishes I make and ones that are not far from my reach.And at this phase of my life,I have to accept that certain aspirations have to be on hold for a little while longer.We'll see what the future holds in store.I think I better stop now cos this isn't coming out as I want it to.
But I think I made a useful discovery today that's worth noting-I found a Fabric store--thanks to my neighbour...!!!