Friday, May 29, 2009

Hmm!Random thoughts...

labelling,misconstrue,....these words seem to have something in common besides their parts of speech-they can easily and ignorantly land one into trouble.We often use some of these words in conversations,but do not really'think' of their interpretations.Some of the words,we 'act out'..not utter.Like'stereotyping' for will be biased if you 'assumed brilliant students are "always" proud.It's a stereotypical behaviour to now be snobbish towards them because you think'defence is the best form of attack'.Ok,enough playing around in words.Sometimes,I think too abstract I have to remind myself to not be too philosophical.So,I was meant to call up an obg and book an appointment.The conversation was a'one-way' thing as unexpected.For whatever reason,this fellow must have thought I was looking for a handout because that was the only explanation for the cold shoulder I got.I was supposed to be on referral,this specialist supposedly came on recommendation.To save myself this heartache,I've decided to let it go and not act the same way'assuming'.But the bottomline is that,if there's ever a time I doubted the saying'first impression matters a lot',yesterday'd definately not be one of such.Arrrrrrrrggggggg!!!Where's the smiley when I need one?I was really pissed!People'll be who they want or choose to be.I do not have the power to change that!Ok,I think am done venting now.Will get back to this later.My eyes seem to be twinkling and am not concentrating.It's funny how I didn't want to watch Speed2 for the umpteenth time,but still find myself turning sideways because of Sandra Bullock and a piece of action too....huh!Just before I sign off,I want to sing my same ol'song....I miss home..I miss my families,my friends,sisters in faith,brethren in general....I miss the scenery.Not that this place's not beautiful,as a matter of fact,there's no comparison in that respect.Like my people will say,"you can't compare a sleep-state with death'.That's the summary!But am going to sound cliched again,"there's no place like home".Whether one means that figuratively or literally,it's very true to an undeniable extent.I mean,you can't ship all your families(I'm talking extended now) abroad even if you emigrate.So,you'll find yourself missing them or the life you had at some point.That's of course,considering you are'home bred' before you join the lots.So for someone of my age,accepting change isn't as easy as it sounds.
Ok,again,something else I had thought of ealier in the day just came to mind.I know how people say"it's either yes or no".For instance,a man asks a woman,"do you love me"?And she goes,"yes,but.....".But what?No,it's either you love me or you don't.That's one of the overused phrases of our time(like "fabulous").So,I don't like being hackneyed into such situation and would just like to make my submission on this subject which is,life is not"black and white".Whether one fails to admit it or not doesn't change that fact.There's a grey area in-between.This is something I have come to realise over the years.There're times we do the right thing,yet hurt someone in the process.One would have thought doing the right thing should make you feel liberated.There're definately times during the right thing leaves you with guilt.And that's the grey area am talking about.I won't go around compelling anyone to say'yes or no',if the situation requires a phrase,and not a word.God help us!
Alright,am still here...something came to my mind today in one of my ruminating sessions.This thing called elovee is sometimes confusing.You'll hear someone say,Love is kind,gentle,not vengeful nor hurtful.The most worn out is,"Love is blind".Oh! they also say it intoxicates(excess of everything does that actually).But thank God that grammarians quickly came to our rescue.They discovered the most popular four-letter word,and then realised it can't just have another four-letter opposite(mind you,they say that's not even the opposite,but"indifferent" is) 'hate'.So,they came up with the word"obsession".In order words,it means that,even love has a limit.Can you now understand why'good things,actions,deeds or even thoughts' can have a grey area?So,before you commit murder or suicide for the sake of"Love",you had better think deeply(twice might not be enough) before you take that decision.Afterall,in the olden days as we call it in my place,our great-great-grandmothers(fourth in my case) were just just given out like china to their crowns.So,what's love got to do with that,huh?

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I've got this....

"The man/woman who keeps busy helping the man below him/her,will not have time "envying the man/woman above him/her"-Henrietta Mears.
Using 'slash' above is what I now do to be conscious of gender use.It's really amazing how education widens your scope and leave you better than you were.I admit that there are times I question myself about things that would be considered as trivials or even useless.But it's never stopped from from tossing some unanswered questions round my head.Usually,when there's a statement about people,I expect the pronoun to use a'non-specific' pronoun.But it doesn't usually happen and I wave it as one of those things.But in the past few weeks preparing for my exams,I have learnt so much and know that there's still more to learn.I know there has never been any moment in my life that I've regretted being a pupil or student.I've always had so much value and passion for education.I cherish the idea of learning new things daily that I can't imagine being completely idle.if am not reading or writing,there're hundreds or rumination going through my mind..sifting,reminiscing and very deep thoughts.Well,I don't think the human mind would generally be'blank'.These days,I sometimes fear that my head or mind might not be able to hold some of these thoughts any longer.Anyway,that's just a fickle of my imagination.But my eyes do suffer from extensive reading.Extensive was what i did preparing for the exams.I've also come to realise that my studying pattern hasn't changed that much.I do not like to read 'far ahead' of exams..but just like to be prepared.If I did my previous work well,then I should be revising and not'reading' afresh.It would refresh the memory.Am not over the moon,just glad that my exams're finally over and I can take time to do other things like updating my blog and my journal.Even some reading that aren't for academic purposes.I realised that I wasn't nervous,just a bit uncertain.But I rekindled my self confidence&reminded myself that I've done this before and can do it again,with God on my side.The major difference is studying completely on my own,something I've never done before and didn't know what to expect in the exams.Well,counting my eggs before they are hatched would interprete that,I did it well and should not fear for failure.However,my scores might not be as high as aimed.I gave it my all and that's what matters most.It really pays to study and am so,so glad I did.Seeing some questions from what I had read made me give myself a pat on the back(figurative)......While I was reading the textbooks,I almost gave up because they were just so much to cover in a little time.Well,I have learnt to manage my time better now as a Distant Learner.I've scheduled my next semester Modules and will start ahead of the semester.I need not wait till then,afterall,I've got the study materials.
It's a good thing I feel better today and even though am not writing in my best sentence structures.I am lighter today and more relaxed than I had been in the past few days.
I also picked some interesting topics from one of my English Texbooks to help as a springboard for writing my essays.I think it would be fair to say I need a referesh course in Literature.I can't almost believe I topped my class once in that subject.Am so rusty I feel like a beginner.All my literary appreciation knowledge have been not being in use,academically.The English I offered in College wasn't anything serious since I wasn't majoring in English.I can confidently say I was doing better back home,improving my spoken English.The apathy people here have for English language is almost unbelievable.Multicultural or not,they should and need to be more receptive and tolerant of other people's tongues.I look at the whole thing from the surface and thought it wasn't the same with each one of the native tribes.The fact remains that,no country in the globe has or speaks a single language. I wonder how realistic it is for every immigrant and tourist here to learn and speak their native languages.They do not like English language,for political reasons.Why must regular people suffer for that?I do not subscribe to domination of a powerful nation over a weaker one.But I also believe there must be a meeting point.English can serve as a medium between expatriates and the natives.Neither should feel obliged to learn either's language.Afterall,I come from a multi-ethnic nation too.We are unified by the official language,and that makes life a lot easier.Am sure not everyone is interested in linguistics.There are other countless and far less stressful hobbies to choose from.It's little wonder that they speak of' Xenophobia...what do they expect?My adaptable nature has been put to test in this country and am just glad it's not my first place away from home.Else,I'd have failed the test.I guess it's not their business that am an "economic refugee".Life beyond the shores of one's homeland is not usually a walk at the park.We seek greener pasture rather than make our own soil more fertile for cultivation.So,they just couldn't care less if you are chastised or alienated for not being able to communicate.I know some of the things I joggle in my head could land me into trouble.Thank heavens,no one's reading my mind.I mean,what would people think if I said,majority of the natives are still suffering from post-apartheid 'language,sorry,not just any,but english language apathy?As proposterous as it may sound,it's the reality.The more I think about their lack of acceptance,the more they prove me right.My consolation would have been interacting or living amongst the elites.We could at least try to find a balance and have intelligible conversations.I would go on like....spspspspspppspsppsp...and remember am not conversing with my cousins.Funny enough,they smile in acnowledgement and you think you've communicated,until they do the wrong thing.I probably would have just enrolled myself in an english class,if I wasn't studying.I am not so sure about my spoken English at the moment,since what I do to rehearse,revise and refresh is mainly reading or writing.It's not like am going to start saying'I go to school yesterday'...but my vocabulary and choice of words have been affected.I feel like I haven't grown that much,grammatically.I could write this same words,using these same expressions,ten years ago,and that's no kidding.I also think not being in an academic field or a formal setting is a delibitating factor.That's what we call "context" in use of English.I can't be talking'formal' when am discussing with semi-skilled or unskilled people here,who unfortunately are the larger of the people I have become acquinted with, out of necessity.And am just humble enought to mingle and relate with them in a very simple way they come to think,we're the same in that respect.I have never been the type to relegate or underestimate people's abilities.I do not look down on anyone because even if am the best at something,am not at everything.If only arrogant people would think like that,they wouldn't make so much enemies.I have come to learn that,everyone needs to feel important at some point in their lives.I remember a friend insisting she wanted to give me a gift.It wasn't anything spectacular,but it was a very kind gesture from someone whom I know,can't ordinarily afford it.And since I used to be the one doing the'giving',I didn't realise that,it may not sit down well with her sometimes.And that's where my attribute of being considerate comes to play.I don't try hard to put myself in other people's shoes,it comes naturally.And the moment she insisted she wanted to do it,I just agreed and said it was okay.I had an intrapersonal communication about how 'liberating' it might have been for her.The need for'self-worth'.The need to feel like"I can do it too".
So,when am surrounded my people with little desires of life and comfortable status,I do not have to go on practising "fluency".I have to come to their 'level' of understanding.So,that leaves me with the same old simple expressions and interactions.And what would people say if they saw me talking to myself ?Am sure'nuts' would come to their minds before'soliloquising' or'rhetoric'!

One of the questions in my english Textbook asks"How has been a girl or a boy ,a man or a woman shaped your life"?Huh!I have to give a sigh before attempting to process that question.It's a food for thought and quite thought provoking.It's one of those things one doesn't really "think" about.So,I would probably continue from there in my next blog...
Signing off now!!!

Monday, May 4, 2009

What Will Be,Will Be!

Just because this phrase is used,doesn't mean one should fold arms and do nothing.You can't just throw in the towel and be idle or docile.After over three decades of being on this planet,am just learning the word"Safari" is a Swahili language meaning 'Journey' interesting!Am not in anyway ashamed to say that because it doesn't mean am a dolt at everything else.As humans,learning is what we do and it's a continuous developing a cold feet(no pun figurative expressions here).Winter's warming up&I think I must get off my butts now before my feet freezes....the socks can't handle it..too cold to handle I guess.Will return to this topic by 'morrow..God willing!!Am so cold am so am cold!..I catch cold....!!!

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Hope Rekindled!

"No matter how crowded the sky may be with stars,I will always find myself among them;if I do not give up on life"!...Unknown

Am a nut for"quotes"..always have been.It's amazing how it suddenly became the"in-thing"and it makes me feel like I've joined the wagon.Everywhere I look these days,there's some quote somewhere.Well,I guess it's high time people realised the power"of words"....that's considering they don't just read but practice it.But I've always loved quotes,just not something I brag about though.I get inspired,motivated and enlivened by them.And I always wish they come in-handy when am gloomy.
Ok,since am counting down,I guess I need to mention that my exams're nine days away now.Boy am I nervous?Well,like I said,I wish those quotes could come in more"handy", because what I've been doing's going down memory lane,ruminating and reminiscing about my High School and College days.I really can't pin-point why my esteem's been 'low' about this Degree,but am thinking it could be because I've been studying alone.And am used to being amongst colleagues and friends.It hasn't been easy,but so far,,not so bad.So,when I want to read just for"reading sake",I quickly remind myself that am aiming for something 'high'.Something I know am capable of achieving, but haven't had since I've been in primary be the"best that I can be" Like this saying goes,"Vividly picture yourself winning and that alone will contribute immeasurably to success.Great living starts with a picture,held in your imagination of what you would like to do or be"-Harry Emerson Forsdick.
Life happens when you're busy procrastinating.I don't want to make further excuses about not having adequate concentration,too many distractions,unsuitable environment,lack of study materials or references..and the list goes on..........prprprrprprprpr!!!Too many excuse never gets anyone anywhere...quote me!....

The mind travels to the farthest places we may not even witness in our lifetimes.It's absolutely incredible how "almost" real those imaginations can get.I mean,here I am as a naive and ignorant teenager,wishing to be a mother of six some day...and here the reality ,am questioning that idea.Since infants can't remain babies for life,I can't just use the phrase"I love kids" without putting that clause of"not being able to tolerate toddlers".Perhaps,if my kids weren't "Hyperactive",the story would have been different.That's "Hyper" with a CAPITAL H!So,if these kids keep driving me almost insane, with their naturally endowed energy,I do not think I would be able to cope with another.Not now...I know it's going to be a very bumpy ride ahead.It's just so overwhelming and exhausting.It's taking so much energy from me i never stop wishing we were close to home..home being our birthplace and motherland.The system's favourable in that respect cos you can easily ask their uncles or aunts to take them for a walk or something.It's a popular saying in our society that,a woman only carries pregnancy alone,parenting's a collective responsibility of the community.It's not like being abroad or any of the developed nations where most people"mind their own business".Anyway,It would have been a lot of relief if we moved or went out more like we could if we were back home.That changes a lot of things as living in SA's not been a walk at the park.i do feel for the kids cos it feels like they're 'limited' in space at times.But that isn't my fault but one of the sacrifices and flaws of living in SA...little or no friends&definately'no family members'.But then again,we must count our blessings and be grateful for the little blessings.Enough of parenting fears and flaws...the best's yet to come,God willing!

I miss home,I miss my families,I miss my friends,I miss all the activities that make life balanced,I miss the people who inspires me,I miss my brethren who make it easy to bear a burden,I miss having the choice to eat what want as a 'picky eater',I miss the ability to express my thoughts and share it with friends,I miss the heartily laughter amongst my loved ones...I could just go on....I'll pause here for now to continue later,hopefully.