Saturday, October 24, 2009

One of those moments...

Wether you grow up with your folks or not,certain lessons cannot be taught but "experienced".I honestly do not think I need three decades to figure that out.Anyway,no matter how much book you read,how much experinces people share with you or how extensive you think your knowledge is,life always spring a surprise or two at you.The way you deal with the situation is entirely a different ball game,not "up to you".I often hear that phrase and I just can't help but be puzzled cause I don't think everything's "up to us".We can choose to ignore and not give a hoot about what people say or think,it doesn't neccessarily translate to it being"up to us".At least that's what I've learnt.Laws are there for a reason because,if it was up to us,the world would not be where it is today.There's always a form of check and balances.When we refuse to answer to the Maker,we answer to His creature.In the end,we're answering to some form of authority,physical or spiritual.


I have tried ceaselessly to imagine me not working and being a full time mom and wife,but it's simply beyond me.That isn't my life in pictures,it's someone else's.I have realised how miserable,disgruntled,depressed and aggressive I could get if am subjected to that.That isn't just my life.I have had to struggle with my studying arrangement.It hasn't been because am incapable,but because I prefer working with others usually and not alone.But since am also no longer a teenager and know what's important to me,I am able to study on my own,classmates or no classmates, discussion group or not.The truth is,I have also been questioning myself lately.I have been so overwhelmed with fear of failure that I seem to be placing my studies above other important things.But in all honesty,I think I have paid my dues.I have sacrificed a lot for this family and it is only fair that I get a share of the sacrifice as well.Whoever says a homemaker or housewife doesn't get much to do have no clue what they're talking about.I have come to realise that,the expectations are so high,the society is so demanding and at the end of the day the woman is more the victim.I have also discovered on my own why women die before men (in case of couples too),why the life span of women is shorter,why  more women die from heart problems in comparison to men,why more books are written on relationships and recommended for women,why the one who gets to bear the brunt of divorce is usually the woman,why women suffer more from Bi-polar,depression and other mood disorders than men,why obesity affects women more than the ratio of men,why women are mostly insecured in relationsips than men,why women suffer from low self esteem compared to their male counterparts and why the women always have to be softer and more lenient or become vengeful and labelled with different ugly adjectives when they fight back.
I know my opinion may not be shared by many,but am also very certain that the facts are there for anyone who cares to find out.Last night hubby and I had a face-off about'food'.And for some reason I didn't even get to say exactly how I felt,it still upsets me that men can be completely clueless at times,yet they want their egos to be stroked....say they know when you know they know not!I do not think any man wants to appear ignorant,but I guess it's alright for a woman to play dumb!!!I don't think that's an esteem booster either.Who wants to be referred to as the 'dumb wife' or 'stupid woman','foolish mother','dull student','useless daughter','igonorant sister',dormant colleague'.....should I go on?Everyone wants to be appreciated for something however humble you are.
I just stop to ask myself these days,what it would feel like not to have to bother about studies anymore.What I would feel if I had to stop worrying about exams and assignments or what am missing not being able to go to the school headquarters to use the library even if it's for once,if am really doing my best,if I would do better were things different and the so many other flimsy things I worry my head about.I even wonder if someone or some people are waiting for me to quit and say"I knew it,there was no way she was going to have a solid education after having two children'.I wonder if,my father would see any difference in my life,may be even say "am proud of your accomplishments,irrespective of the obstacles",maybe my mother would then realise what she missed and wish she was there all my life,maybe I will earn the respect of people w ho look down on me and dismiss me without knowing me or what I can offer,maybe I can finally prove some people wrong that not having a proper upbringing or growing up under the love and care of both parents can slow you down but does not necessarily have to stop you from achieving your dreams,maybe I can finally heave a sigh of relief and enjoy my accomplishments and accept that I am who I am.That I have always had it in me and only needed to let it out.And that no matter what anyone says or thinks,I have what it takes.Maybe,just maybe.I hate to think that am still schooling because I want to prove a point.I just hate to think that am doing this for some other purpose besides fulfilling my "need for self-fulfilment".I do not come across as someone who lacks confidence.But I think I need to appreciate myself better and realise my worth and abilities.I have constantly doubted myself and question if I will see this degree through because of the unending distractions.But the fact is that my life has never been without a drama,however shortlived.So why would I want everything to be perfect or "normal" now?Why should this time be different?I'm not sureI know what normal means anymore.It's not like I actually considered quitting,I just ask myself"what if"?I do have some moments when I think I can't take it anymore and ask if it would be all worth it in the end.That shouldn't cross my mind at all ,since I know better than anyone what furthering my studies means to me.It just feels like my life's revolved around school now that I seem to be losing focus of other aspects like taking care of myself and maybe even lighten up a little.Not going out much doesn't make that any easier.
Last weekend's get-away was unplanned,unscheduled,unexpected but welcomed.I do not even want to imagine what would have happened if I had complained about how I was caught off guard.So,off we went to Lakeside hotel and returned on Monday morning to our business as usual.I went with my books quite alright,but didn't get around to doing any revision.I have been studying extensively non-stop,hours in a roll that I feel like I'm in high school again.It feels like when I was preparing to write my finals exams in secondary school-mathematics got me doing that.And it's lack of the same mathematical skills that has returned me to that situation.I feel like I've not read enough,like I'm leaving something out.I feel like I'll blame myself for not preparing hard enough for the exams.And I just don't like the fact that I feel like am in secondary school again.But I must admit that I feel a lot relieved than I was a week ago when almost nothing made sense to me,from demand to Supply and from Utility to Elasticity.My eyes are beginning to hurt from long hours of reading,inadequate sleep and I just decided to break it off and pour it out here.Am I relieved?I don't think so.It's not over until it's over.Monday's the D-day!God help me!

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