Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thoughts from the past..Part Two

I feel light-headed(de-saturated my brain) today than I have felt in the last couple of weeks.I had been spending time doing'deep thoughts'.'Nostalgic,confussion,indecision,tiredness and everything all wrapped together got me doing too much thiniking.Thoughts which I must admit did me some good.I admit they say am'weird' in the family because of certain unusual things I do.But I think it suits me just fine.

Talk of "self-discovery" at thirty.Well,it's even better am doing that now and not later...."Better late than never,goes the saying"!I discovered I could'read all day' without a migraine . .That was what saw me through the'very deep Biology' I got as my welcome package in Psychology....
Subhannallah!I almost screamed'what did I get myself into"?So far,I can't say it's got to the fun part yet.But having gone through the Course Modules,there are more interesting things to Psychology than the Synapses,neurotransmitters,somatic and the 'not-so' somatic expandable tree structures,flow chart ( and I thought that ended with High School Mathematics..How mistaken!Rescue me Ya Allah!
Ok,it's not so bad afterall.I mean,I did my assignments ALL BY MYSELF!Isn't that something!To be candid,I never thought I would get around it because the whole study materials as they are called didn't make any'sense' to me.I had to read it over and over again.And it's still not over yet.The easy part is the next Assignment.It's just about"Evaluation of personality'.I so love those quizes/questions.I can't recall how many of those I had taken on the Internet.I love taking those self-examination tests.
I have taken the IQ Test before and what I recall amongst all others is that-I was graded to be good in Abstract Reasoning.Abstract???Little wonder they call me a weirdo!.
English Langage Test,Friendship Tests...too many of them.
It was the measure I explored in my 'self-discovery' quest and the regain of my 'self-esteeem'.I had too many questions on my mind and needed honest answers,particularly from someone who doesn't know me as a family member.
So,it really helped and I always write out my 'Results'.I even took some in the Magazines I buy.

I have never stopped wishing I could get Islamic Literatures the way Iget the Magazines.I mean,they are sold in grocery stores and I can just buy everything together without hubby crying 'over-budget' and 'priorities'.I mean,I wouldn't even have to ask for money to get them.Oh!I so miss my Islamic Literatures.I have realised it was another hindrance to my writing.I can't do all my research on the Internet.Let's just summarise that by saying that am 'conservative' and still prefer to read"books" anytime,anywhere.I am not just the type that would stay glued to the Screen (TV inclusive all) day.It would tire mye eyes!I still have passion for books and  I d not think even technology can change that!!!!Yeah,I know.Am from the old school hence,old fashioned!!!


Ok,since hubby wanted a shortcut to this 'eye test thing',I think I better wait till he is capable of taking me for one.Too bad Government hospitals don't offer the service.I don't just want to wear some 'reading glasses'.These eyes need to be tested!!!

Ya rabbi!It's almost half past one&it feels like the kids have only been gone for a couple of hours.How time flies when you're having fun....I have done the task that would require my 'uninterupted attention-Tranferring my assignment to the Computer Sheet.
It took me back in time studying for Entrance Examinations.Good those days are gone....

I doubt I'd be able to keep this Journal to my satisfaction now that am getting close to being   nervous.The lil' troubles're coming home.I'd have to go fetch them in about 45mins time or thereabout.Glad I did my washing yesterday.How relieved that makes me feel!

Ok,so as Allah would have it,we finally got a reliable(so far) hardworking young man from our own native country to work in the Guest House.He replaced the lazy butt Zim' guy-no pun intended here!I can see my husband is happy.I felt for him (and angry at him too) while he was spending all those long hours at office and still come home to a sleepless night of attending to guests.Subhannallah!Those weekends were just beyond me...one of the reasons I was really mad.I couldn't care less if we needed the money.I needed my sleep and sanity too.The fact that am almost a sufferer of insomnia didn't help as I'd lay awake for almost the entire night after my sleep had been interupted with the seemingly undending phone calls of enquiries.
The lad's from our tribe and that makes things easier because we can communicate in other language besides English.And in my own way (I do this with those who have worked here before too),I have adopted the'motivation booster' of giving him a meal at least everyday (so far).In all honesty,he needs no reminding because he happens to know what to do without being told.He's very hardworking.But I still have to ensure they (the young girl&cleaner) do their jobs well.It's not like the money comes in regularly,but they still get paid at the end of the week.But it pays for our conveniency.Even some of the guests said I needed a break!At least,someone knows am trying!

Every Friday and Sunday still bring back the memories of the good old days.I am not giving up on this Islamic gathering idea.I have to find a way to get through hubby to find out where these programmes are held.Well,at least,I hope women are allowed this time around!!!
The last one year has been the most redundant I can recall in my entire existence.I mean,as a child,I was hawking nuts, potassium (instead of being in school).And when I eventually commenced Primary School,it made a difference.In Junior High,I was attending Arabic classes by night.In Senior High,I was attending so many Islamic programmes,serving my 'colonial master' of an uncle during the weekends.After High School,I got myself a job( i needed that for sustenance)&learnt Computing.The knowledge I still use till date as the job afforded me that opportunity being a Computer training&Tutorial School (little did I know I was going to be a Teacher back then).So,after four years,I finally went to College,trained as an Islamic&Political Science Teacher.Another (good & ugly old days).The ugly part was in the poor accomodation that wasn't provided for Students.No Hostels.Well,I survived,as always and I thank God for that!
Those were the days!I am still very happy I got that opportunity and would never regret I went to College.I made some of the best friends I've got there and my Islam was at its peak.How could you not be positively and spiritually influenced?There were programmes to attend throughout the week and it was just left to you to choose which to attend.It was  well worth it.I enjoyed and loved that they made me part of the Editorial Board member of Committee on several events and so on.It helped me write more Poems as I had to submit them every week.
I leanrt more about Islam and felt so  important and  loved .After High School,that was the Second place I felt that good!I got an Award from the Political Science Department as an"Outstanding Student".It was a honour because I was the only one'sister from my Department who got that recognition.I guess it was because I made my presence felt.Let's just say,they saw a different side of Muslimahs they don't often get to see.They thought we were all about the Ijab especially as Islamic Studies Students.Even my grades were better in Political Science than they were in Islamic Studies and was fortunate not to have repeated my Courses.
At this stage in my life,Politics is about the last thing on my mind.I think it was just the environment that got me in that deep.
I now wish and pray that Allah grants me the resilience and wisdom to do justice to Psychology like I did in College.I did some sort of Introduction to Educational Psychology once in College (can't recall much of it now,won't lie).And I remember topping my class with 35 marks out of  40 for my Continuous Assessment.It was our First Year and my mates wondered how I got to perform that good.I don't know either....I studied and was favoured by Allah.
Ok,gatta go now.I knew I wouldn't be able to conclude the post.It's time to go get the kids from School.If I still feel like writing when I get back (more like talking to myself),I might just come back here.

Originally written on 27th March 2008....I changed my course from Psychology to study Communication Science,and that's what am studying currently!

Thoughts from the past...copied with a few alterations!

Lessons of Life!!!

Authubillah Minnashaytoni Rajeem


(meaning:I seek refuge from the accursed devil..I begin in the name of Allah the Beneficent,the Merciful)



The things we take for granted

I read something and it really got me thinking.Of course these are thoughts that have always crossed my mind and all I do is just toss it round my head with no answers.
I can be referred to as being sensitive&hence might be easily offended.But I put my sensitiveness to use by minding my utterances,watching what I say&do.Being mindful of others&try not to cross their path.But of course we're only humans and that is why 'forgiveness' is one of the attributes of Allah.Still,the best would be to avoid doing the wrong things all the time,human or not.
I am not really comfortable with 'impulsive people' because they don't think,they just act.I know they can be a life saver sometimes rescuing someone from danger by acting so fast and quick.But they are more of a  disaster than helper.Sorry to say!!!These kind of people make mistakes a lot,say regretful things,act insensitively and step on toes.Such people make unfulfilled promises because they always run faster than their legs can take them,bite more than they can chew and do not cut their clothes according to their cloth.I have seen these attitudes over time in some people.

The things we take for granted could range from material possessions to kinship ties or lifestyle.I had a friend in High School who decided to bear grudges with me because I was mingling with some'lower students' according to her because she was from a privileged home and was my very dear friend too at the time.I was someone who was taught of as a'no-one' too at a point in my life.And to do that to anyone,irrespective of their academic prowess or lack of it,would be rather hypocritical.I mean,why must we always think of'taking' and not giving?Afterall,Rasulullah (s.a.w) said the upper hand is better than the lower hand.So,I believe the brilliant should also help the struggling students to get along.And not restrict their interaction to the elites, upper class,bookworms alone.I think that is rather selfish.
I just blended between the rich and the one from my calibre.I maintained a balance between the 'knowledgeables' and the 'ignorants'.I do not look down on anybody,yet try to keep my head up high.I have been on that road before and know exactly what it feels like.
Am so sensitive I try not to brag about my own blessings in the presence of someone craving for such.Apparently,it doesn't really appear to some people that,when you want to talk about the favours God has bestowed on you,you should be modest about it.I wasn't really good at blowing my trumpet until I had issues with self-esteem and was instructed to use that method in reshapening my self image.
I have been privileged to mix,live,interact,mingle&associate with some people who do not take cognizance of something as intricate as'pride'.Didn't we read that "Pride" is the Cloak of Allah?
Some people just get carried away&go on&on about how blessed they are,forgetting that what the person next to them needs is not the talk about how good their life is,but that,they too have seen worse times&that things will get better with time.A reassurance sort of.
I've not really been the type that could fully financially assist people but I do try to give admonitions based on my life experiences&that and others around me.It is for the same reason that I always tell my unmarried friends (Muslims&non-Muslims) that,there's more than meets the eye.And that they should be careful what they wish for.That is somewhat proverbial because I do not go into details about my marital affairs with every single person.However,I do share my birth stories and childhood experiences with anyone who cares to listen and feel they could learn one or two lessons.
I have listened to sisters go on about how wonderful their husbands are,how lucky they are to have have them right in the presence of a sister who is still seeking a partner or worst still,one with a marital crisis.The least one could do is probably say" insha Allahu(if God wills) my dear sister,you will also smile again because the road was rocky for me too".Rasulullah (Prophet Muhammad (s.a.w) has taught us the etiquettes of giving advise.taught us modesty and the way to behave as Muslims.Some people even use sarcasm when they can't be confrontational about their thoughts.Some go as far as confronting someone and lecture them about their mode of dressing.There are ways of correcting people without making them feel insulted.We were not born with all these things,but it sure helps to learn.And that is what the holy Prophet taught us.That we seek knowledge from cradle to grave.That the acquisition of knowledge is incumbent,obligatory,compulsory on every Muslim,male and female.
I am always very conscious anytime am in the car with my husband and always have even since he got his first car.I happen to come from a country where the most devoted,most dedicated and most religious live in penury compared to the rich and mighty,negligent and nominal muslims.They just hold on to the rope of Allah.They are the ones that prefer to sacrifice their comfort on earth for Yaomul Qiyamah (the day of Accountability).They fear the world will sway,stray,distract and backslide them from the worship of Allah which is paramount in the life of a muslim.Or rather,should be paramount.Truly,we seek for Allah's Barakah (blessings) when we say 'Rabanna Ateenah Fidunniyah, HassanatanWafil khakheeratih hassanattan wakeena wazaba nar' (Oh!Allah,grant us the best of this life and the Hereafter).But we mustn't fail to always seek the Hereafter ahead of Duniyyah (this world).

Some people throw their knowledge in the face of a striving muslim and make them feel they lack even the basic knowledge of Islam.They just can't help themselves and go on saying well,"I know this","I know that".Isn't 'Allah the one that grants knowledge?He is the Knowledgeable and we need to always remind ourselves of that.My people say this adage that "the one who is alive doesn't know what's going to be the cause of his death yet.Summarily,the one with two legs today,could be a cripple tomorrow.So let him not make jest of the one-legged.Accidents do happen within a twinkle of an eye.The one with riches today could be a pauper tomorrow.He could be robbed,suffer a disaster or worst.The beautiful ones should be cautious because that pretty face can be scarred for life!Some women take pride in all the good things (material) women are expected to have like say jewelleries,bags,shoes,clothes even Ijabs (head cover for Muslim women).I have seen people who wanted to use the Ijab but couldn't afford to buy one.How ironical that some are begged to even use from the lots they have in their wardrobes!
I know&believe that the best things in life aren't 'things'.So,I wonder what some of these people think when they go on and on about how fortunate they are to have lovely children when you're talking with a childless sister in Islam.

Some things we take for granted???How about seeing a fellow sister in distress as too 'whinney'?Perhaps,what should come to your mind is the tasbih (thanking God).Say Alliamdulillah within you,give a listening ear and offer a spiritual and moral support if you can.But do not condemn her because she did not ask to be where she found herself.
Allah forbids that we lose our beloved!A mother of four could become childless just like that.Yes,it has happened before,road accidents,fire outbreaks,wars,natural disasters,just name it.And someone thinks they can rebuke others because Allah has blessed them?Thinkagain!!!

Apart from being a natural-sensitive person ,I have learnt a great deal about Islam&try to put it into actions as possible as I can.When I say sorry,it's usually not because of some hurtful thing I have said or done.I do think very deeply about the consequence(s) of my actions,utterances.I avoid ambiguities and when I err like every human does,I make rectifications.I do try to steer clear contradictions or ambiguities-it lands one in trouble.!
Agreed we'r not perfect,but that is no excuse to be selfish,self-centred,self-absorbed and insensitive.Some people use expressions that weighs more than they meant.Reason why it is good to think before acting.
I think we'd be better-off not saying sorry all the time.Rather,we should come to appreciate Allah's blessings in our lives and when we realise that somebody might be hurt as a result of our actions,then we should make amends&clear the air.
Some people are so insensitive they crack expensive jokes.And even while laughing,they could try to see the other person's reaction and hence,caution themselves.But no, they just go on laughing about an issue which apparently means more to that other person than them.Where is the sisterhood or brotherhood in hurting your fellow Muslims?That is more like"sisterwound" or "brotherwound"?!!!

Something I read a few minutes ago just brought these thoughts to my mind this late evening.My kids&husband  are asleep.It's 1.30.a.m.& I should be sleeping as well.But I had to lift this weight off my chest before going to bed because it was something I read that steered the topic.....

Originally written on 5th April,2008!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Fatigued...

I am yet to uncover the reason behind my fatigue and tiredness...and I hope I won't feel this way longer than necessary.If only I had my own gym or some safe place to do my own thing...I'd work out,perhaps,that would help.
I had so mnay thoughts going throuh my mind during the day but just couldn't get around to blogging them out.I need time to get used to the new situation  of not being "alone"anymore.At least not from Monday till Friday.
I honestly don't know if that's my own way of being "territorial".But I like my privacy and always want some time to myself.We've got a domestic help now and I know it's going to feel really awkward until I resume at the office for good.It'd be better than being at home and been conscious that am not'alone'.I have enjoyed my space for so long I never really anticipated this scenario.I guess I should have seen it coming....But then again,'change' is inevitable and I've just got to accept it.
Whoever says Language's a powerful tool couldn't be more right.I'm appreciating the fact that I didn't have the problem of language barrieri n my home country.Being abroad's an eye opener and a form of education too.The truth's just that I've always had a reservation for living in a country with a language barrier.Agreed,English is not my first language,but it's my second best means of verbal communication.I just can't imagine myself being lost or stranded because of communication breakdown .I'd rather take a beginner's book on that language and learn a few words or phrases..I enjoy doing that on my own,by choice-not by coercion or compulsion!I have always had this fantasy of being a 'multi-linguist'.I play around with words from French,Arabic and even Spanish or Italian sometimes.But that doesn't mean am ready to learn any new language at the moment.I even went as far as writing a poem saying a word in different tongues...(4my eyes only)!I also subscribed to About.com's french language in my inbox everyday..(I don't read it...)..
It's the beginning of another day and I've got to rest my eyes for the night....I'm getting froggy in the mornings now.I used to wake up feeling revitalised and refreshed...something must have gone wrong somewhere....!!!
Good morning!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

And so it came to an end today...

It's the end of my first level and am really grateful to God for His mercies.It's been a very long day I almost forgot I just completed my exams today and not before.




I have registered for a traffic license or something like that.I need this to commence my driving lessons and it means another studying.But It's better I do it now and get it over with.I can't postpone it anylonger.I don't want to be swamped next year with school work and driving lessons.Now that I've finally got my sewing machine,I've developed a new hobby and a passion to'design' or'sew' my own dresses.That's a tall dream but I'll get there someday.Thanks to hubby he took me (after I appealled to him) to the fabric store yesterday and I bought a few threads and some other things I'll be needing to commence my practice.Am so excited and almost impatient to sew what I'll come up with.I really want to sew my daughter a dress and a pair of skirt...maybe even more.That should be easier before I move on to trying my hands on caftan (for myself)!



I was actually exhausted and didn't think I'd here this night blogging.but I relaxed for a while this evening to garner all the energy needed in updating my blog and catching up on my mails.



The days slip by so fast that I fear of not getting things done.I actually stopped making lists of things needed to be done "word for word" a couple of years back.External factors have made some of the plans unachievable and it feels like a waste of time.But realising that I kept certain things on hold deliberately in order to focus on my studies.And now that the session's over for this year,I think it's about time I made that list.I will begin with the 'spring cleanining' of the kitchen.I will take care of the homefront first before I take on the community crusade concept.The weather's been really unprecidtable and unstable.So it makes going out for someone already laid back like me a task.But am going to get up and go out if it isn't raining.I would try to get a simple fabric for the skirt I want to sew and maybe something for moi!Great tings starts from small beginnings..I've got to start from somewhere and not let fear get in my way.I have longed so much for a sewing machine and have no excuse now.



There're a few other commitments I need to take care of and I don't want to lose sight of the fact that Eid's around the corner..even if am going nowhere.I better wrap up now....

Monday, November 16, 2009

"Never say "NEVER"!

I got back from my exam centre a little over two hour ago and I had a good laugh at myself.Alright,I've never said that” I can NEVER be a victim of what happened to me today, but knowing my nature and how annoyingly meticulous I can be, I may have said so! Whatever lesson am supposed to learn from today's experience, I have learnt very well indeed. I have learnt to be more thorough (I'm actually too thorough already) as far as studying with a distant learning institution is concerned. I usually take note of little things and always go by the saying of” anything worth doing at all is worth doing well”. I am one of those nerdy students who go extra mile and take studies very seriously. I guess I should have realised that I get distracted some times and I strain my brain. I do that a lot. I’ve read some where that tasking the brain is good and I think over-stimulation's my own problem presently.


Where do I begin? Is it from the fact that, I had been at the centre today two hours ahead of time or that I only discovered that I was prepared for the wrong exam? Or is it the fact that I had not even revised the reviewed assignment that was supposed to serve as a guide and the examination focus? Or should I begin by saying that I didn't realise this mistake until less than an hour before the exam was to commence?

I went into the hall to use the ladies room and decided to just check my seat number.Alas! The course code was a different one from what I was reading and the notebooks I brought to the centre with. I was perplexed and confused. Where would I begin from? I hadn't read the nine-page drama summary for the exam. I already know it's a compulsory question, but I take my modules one at a time. I had completely forgotten exam format and what to really expect as I only browsed through it once. I had to think on my feet and I did without any further hesitation. The clock was ticking and time wasn't my friend! I rushed out and asked if there was anyone sitting for the same module but couldn't find any student. I then resolved to call my hubby.I started by telling him how "stupid" I've been, reading for a different exam paper. To my bewilderment, he didn't add salt to my injury by affirming my assertion. He just asked if he should come fetch me to take me home in order to get the printed drama I had to read. I also didn't recall I had the key to the house with me.Well, to cut a long story short, he came to get me. I was very time conscious and decided to do some trekking and meet him on the way.Afterall, I would be sitting down getting more apprehensive if I didn’t get something else doing. It reduced the timing and the tension. I spent an extra five minutes outside the hall before I went in to write the exam. Something I have learnt in my adolescence is not to panic. I have inculcated the habit of remaining calm in situations that could be escalated by panic. It’s not easy to do that but I have learnt it and it's working for me. So I just relaxed and read the summary, more like flip through it actually. I just browsed through the main characters'names, their roles and the setting of the Drama. Well it was a good thing I didn't waste too much time reading the nine pages as that question was going to earn me only fifteen marks....I was working towards not losing fifty-five marks over sheer carelessness. If I hadn’t known what to write at all, it would mean I'd fail the mdoule, re-register for it, go through the very rough and hard time I had this year, have an extra workload next year, unable to do my major modules in communication and the last choices would be to either register for another module to replace it or push it forward for an extra year at unisa...............no ways!!!

So, at the end of the day I wrote the exam and it wasn't as bad as I had feared Of course I was still going to suffer a few setbacks as I couldn't recall the author of my narrative play, and another character in the given narrative.Overall, I did alright and like I've said before, if I do not pass exceedingly well since am aiming to graduate with a first class, I would not flunk this module either. I have done my best and left the rest to God. He was actually looking out for me because; discovering that I wasn’t prepared for the listed exam would have been more destabilizing and disorientating if I hadn't gone to check for my seat number. As it turned out, I was about the only one who showed up for the exam. From the list, we should have been three. That’s the lowest I've seen since writing exams at the centre last semester.

Once again, I’ve just been reminded why I had to make other choices and let Literature die a natural death.Afterall; it’s not like anyone's going to ask me to produce my certificate in Theory of Literature if I decide to write a book in the future. Enough brain tasking for a year!!!

Am just happy that I had the cause to laugh over this incident because I would have been really disappointed with myself. I had worked really hard this semester and had scored 96% in the assignment. I also had the help of a very special young lady. Thanks to her inputs when I was completely lost on where to begin the module. How I wish that score would count more for my overall pass mark! I just cannot imagine failing after all the handwork and the pressure the entire semester. Scoring a 100% in the assignment of the other module doesn't count much either. There’s a whole lot of work to be done in the exams. This would be simpler and easier in the sense that, it’s going to be a replica of the assignments (or so I've read).But it's a lot to remember. I have done my revision well and God willing shouldn't have any problem attempting the questions.

Case closed on this matter. Am starving seriously.....It's some minutes to 4 p.m and I've not had a single meal today. Some people can't write exams on an empty stomach, not me. I just didn't feel like grubbing this morning and that's not unusual with me. I have recently decided to be more consistent with my meals and make sure I eat breakfast everyday. Old habits they say die hard, but I'll get there....