A very lonely night here..

I read a lot.I read almost anything I can understand and benefit from.I read till my eyes are strained and then remind myself to pause.And in the past,I usually ended up having headaches.Today,I can't say the headache I've had all day was caused by"excessive reading".I think somewhere deep down in my subconscious,I'm disturbed about something,but I can't put my finger on it.The weekend was quite hectic,I was under pressure to'deliver' the goods and deliver the goods I did!The guest house staff received a call from my homecountry on Friday and the person had insisted on speaking with"the boss"!Eventually,I had to speak with this enquirer.She wanted transportation from the airport to somewhere  in Johannesburg and then back to the airport later in the day.It was a very tight fix because we hadn't been able to get the remaining seats for the Bus..oh!There's the bus by the way.But we 'made a plan' as the South Africans' would say.Well,since hubby's away,I was in charge and had to make decisions on my feet.the taxi man refused to show up and we were just fortunate to get another one impromptu.Also at a good bargain since we couldn't charge the guests extra after they've made part-payment.But I was at my best and made things work.It's just so strange that I do better when hubby's away.I think I underestimate my managerial skills and give little credit to myself.

I wasn't happy leaving my kids at home since the housekeeper doesn't come on weekends and the guest house staff can't really be with them the whole time.They almost burnt down the kitchen..thank God they didn't.It just confirmed my fear of not wanting to leave them alone in the house.I have said this before but people who don't know my kids think am just exaggerating or being paranoid....my kids need 'extra-attention.I am used to being cautious and protecting them both because they play really hard and rough than most kids and needs special attention.I know am not a paranoid or an over-protective mother.Sometimes,I may get blamed for not looking after them  properly.Just today,seeing my daughter cling on to the pole of the cloth-line,I starred and asked myself how I've been able to do it.How I've been able to prevent them from broken bones and scarred faces and even drowning in a non-covered five feet deep pool.But it's really not my making.God is really watching over them,even though I try my best always.Their dad has has told me I worry too much on different occasions.
My headache's subsided but I don't think I'll be able to go further this night.A couple of hours ago,I was feeling really sick and now am suddenly feeling lonely and a little homesick altogether.There are times I want to be on my own and meditate..I've had most part of the day to do that at the office.The kids're asleep now and am just on my own...this night,that "space' feels more like a vacuum that needs to be filled.
But hey,this is me..I'll get over it once I get up from this seat to do something else.I think I've inducted some of my friends into my 'appearing offline to everyone' status of  yahoo messenger,when am actually online.I told them so and now they're the 'pros' of that 'coded status'..!!!Talk of boomerang!
Signing out...