Saturday, December 25, 2010

just chilling...

Who says flying ‘solo’ can’t be fun? Think again! It’s Christmas holiday and as usual, my neighbourhood has little or nothing to show for it. With hubby being away, me being pathetically helpless with driving, the kids and I are as good as stuck until hubby returns. I think we’re looking at nothing less than a week from today. God, help me! Alright, so I can’t have discussions with the kids, but they sure know how to ask tens of questions, the ones they already have answers to; and the ones they really need answers to.
I’ve had some good laugh watching these School drama and a romantic comedy…The Perfect Holiday, Just My Luck and Sydney White. And showing now is “the Ultimate Gift (Local Channel). I had to choose between that and “Surviving Christmas” on another Local Channel. The kids have turned the bed in the guest room into their ‘jumping castle’. Can you blame them? This is really one of those times I wish I had learnt to drive…So now am doing what is not really appropriate. Seeing Ben Affleck on the other movie” Surviving Christmas” got me interested and I’m going to keep switching…ha ha ha ha!
Ok, back to the movie now!

Friday, December 24, 2010

My Aspirations...

God, I don’t want to leave this world without fulfilling the mission you have in store for me. I’m so tired of saying I want to do something, I wished that I had the opportunity to do more and be more, I wished that things were different, that I want to be something big…I’m so tired and am almost losing hope. What would it take to move from where I am, to where I want to be? What would it take to really be relevant and part of something historical? I have tried to be open-minded and unbiased in my thoughts and assumptions. But it seems I won’t be able to do much where am at now. It’s limited my chances and choices. It hasn’t given me that room to explore more options and just do what I really want to do and be. It’s easy for one to be judged wrongly, especially if all you do is “talk about” what you wish to do, without an action to walk the talk.
The 2010 CNN Heroes really inspired me and reminded me that I can still do something memorable. That perhaps, I shouldn’t be in a hurry to fulfill this calling. The nominees were much older and am wondering if that’s what am supposed to do: nurture the thoughts now and wait for the future to execute them. Will I live long enough to do something for humanity? Will my voice be heard before I answer the call of my Creator? Will that opportunity come from here (South Africa) ?Will that opportunity ever prevail itself? Am I asking for too much? Should I start to learn their languages because I want it to ease my campaign against crime violence to women and children? Where should I go? How do I get to that place that I really want to be, to be part of something monumental for humanity?
I can start by writing about it, and not just nurturing the thoughts…I shall start with prayers that God see me through, and make my words a source of relief and consolation for everyone who needs it…My fate is in your hands my Lord. Please see me through, show me the way and lead me there, by Your Grace.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Night out with hubby!

Last two Fridays, ( December 10th) hubby asked to take me out. I knew he wasn’t joking because he seemed to be in a vey playful mood. And with him, talks like that don’t come often. I didn’t really act all excited because I’ve sort of adopted our recluse lifestyle without much complaints like I do in the past. So in his usual manner, he suggested we went to a Restaurant (this was more like a tradition for occasional family outings), I declined. If he wanted to take me out, he had to give room for my opinion or I throw that offer out of the window (I didn’t say this out loud for your info).Fortunately enough, he didn’t argue when I suggested that I’d rather go to the Movies because just eating wouldn’t make much difference for once in two years outing…don’t ask! I got a double-package instead. We had been at the office all day and were both hungry. This was a good thing as my low appetite doesn’t really sit down well with him. I end up bringing remnants of my dinner home; during family outings. So I usually tell him to avoid making hasty and impromptu decisions and to tell me ahead. You can guess how many times that happens…
We got home and we had some minutes to freshen up and off we went. First we had dinner at some Sea Food Restaurant called ‘Cape Town Fish Market’ (CTFM)…I had never heard of them until that day. We do dine at ‘Oceans Basket’ for Sea Food dishes and ‘Spur Steak ranches’ ,for what the name implies. When we want to go local and corporate, we eat out at ‘Home Baze’ (a Nigerian owned Restaurant spreading across Gauteng now, with about four to five Branches. When we want to give our guests a ‘classy’ touch of Nigeria’s local delicacy, we take them to Sandton. That’s the only branch I’ve been by the way. The reason am saying ‘classy’s simply because there is a Nigerian restaurant right next door to us, at the office. That’s just for regulars and it’s a one-man show (sorry, I meant one-woman show). The restaurant is owned by a lady and managed by her alone.
Back to my ‘night out with hubby’…So we actually stood in front of this ‘nameless’ restaurant for s few minutes, I was attracted to the aquarium (I love aquarium) that was displayed outside just before the entrance of the restaurant. A good marketing strategy for a Sea Food restaurant if you asked me. So we eventually decided to give it a try and there were no regrets. Although, the space was barely enough for customers that chose to be inside rather than in the open space just right across; but we tried to enjoy the meal and pay little attention to the limited space. We ordered starters, I had calamari with some sauce I can’t recall now. It was fried and I ordered the roasted one as my main course. There was no room for dessert. I couldn’t finish my main course and had requested that I’d be taking whatever is left of my meal home, before I even got started. I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish it. We enjoyed the meal amidst the stares and glares. Hubby didn’t mince words in emphasizing what he usually says-That the blacks in this country do not go out, eat out, dine because they cannot afford it. Now I normally disagree with him on that assumption because I happen to know more about their social lifestyle that he does. But he wouldn’t agree. We were the only black folks at this restaurant and it was very evident we were foreigners. They probably would have mistaken us for tourists. So this family of four beside our table were particularly interested in us, or should I say me because the stares were on me. And so was another family two adjacent tables to our right. I absorbed it as I get this “all the time”. Trust me, that isn’t just like repeating a common phrase…I get stares everywhere I go. And now, am kind of getting used to it to the point of amusement. I just laugh it off.
After dinner, we went to Sterkinekor-The Cinema. I had just seen the preview of Denzel Washington’s ‘Unstoppable’ before we left home that evening. I had seen it prior that too and had told myself this was a movie I’d love to see. So we perused through and it was going to be shown by couldn’t wait that long, we had kids to go back home to. It was already 8.p.m and any movie we were going to see wasn’t going to be less than two hours; maybe a few minutes difference. Since we do not usually get to go out alone, I wanted something for a mature audience like Denzel’s action-packed ‘Unstoppable’. I asked hubby that we just go back home and that I didn’t feel like ‘comedy’… Jamie Lee Curtis & Sigourney Weaver’s “You Again” was on. But he says let’s just go see that anyway, we did and I loved it…end of story. That was how we spent our evening!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It just never ends...

Welcome to - “ The never-ending story of my life”!

Okay, I did the unusual yesterday, I mean last night. I went to bed before 9.p.m. It was actually a few minutes past 8p.m.Hubby came in from the lounge and asked what was wrong. I replied that I was tired. I had decided to sleep earlier than I usually do because I need to get to the root of this sleepy feeling, every morning. I may not be able to diagnose anything, but I was going to try my unconventional method of elimination first. What happened as a result of that was being awoken by 2 a.m and not being able to go back to sleep, till now…It’s 1.15p.m now and am not getting any sleep until later at night…I will be just fine!
Some days are better than others. They say when there's life there's still hope. And it is with these thoughts that I pray, not just 'hope' that my father returns home some day. What else can I say? When you're related, you're related. You don't change that fact just by denouncing it.
My father clocked fifty-seven yesterday. Unless am mistaken, yesterday was his birthday. How does one explain his non-appearance at family functions and his constant absence from his closest family members? I think the relocation of my siblings to Ghana, planned or not was a blessing in disguise. The truth is, without sentiments, I have never regarded my father as an irresponsible man because he is not. I know that may sound biased, but he's not. Besides myself, my younger ones had the privilege of being catered for and looked after by him. At least to a very large extent. The presence of their mom (my step-mom) did not mean he dumped his parental duties on her. Besides, how would the poor woman have survived with six children to care for?
I cannot also say they had it all rosy, on the contrary. They had rough times and weathered it together. He gave them primary and secondary education and wished for them to go beyond that, even though that will was not backed by action...It was the 'plan'. Financial constraints have prevented him from giving them a better upbringing. But considering that he almost isolated himself and settled in a very rural village; I think he excelled.
This also did not prevent my sister from having a child at an early age. She succeeded in giving my father his very first grandchild...I have no idea what really went down there, but at least, she became a mother before me. She must have been about eighteen years of age at the time, or thereabout; but definately not older. That, am sure!
I know I can't really help this feeling of wanting to be a part of their lives, being there for them when they need a sisterly love and care (I still crave that too).But the reality is, that may never happen in this lifetime. However pessimistic or hopeless that may sound, it's the fact and here's why: There are four girls 'unmarried' now amongst my siblings (at least I hope so).So I pray they eventually find responsible God-fearing men to settle down with. That will happen sooner or later. When it finally does, we'd be more apart than we are presently. So that's the reality. I don't know if they would remain in that part of the planet or farther away in Europe. Time will tell!
With the level of technology today, I would have thought they would make some efforts to  contact me...wishful thinking. Perhaps, they need the technology that will allow tele-transport or 'time-travelling'...Just looking at the comic side of things. It's better than feeling helpless and frustrated.
The more I think about my families, the more it feels like I was never really meant to be any part of it...They all keep going a different direction, going their own ways, they leave. I left too, but only when it was a natural thing to do. I left home as a result of marriage. I would never have deserted my families under a different circumstance. Even I had to school in another country, I would come back home. If I lived thousands of miles away, I would write letters, send text messages now that there’s mobile/cellular phones, I would send emails if they had access to the internet, I would communicate them regularly through Social networks on the Internet, and would call occasionally. My father still kept copies of the letter I wrote to him while I was a child in my elementary school days. He even showed me one of such some years back.
Now that I have no slightest clue what's going on in everybody's lives, I guess I should just continue to pray and hope we still meet in this lifetime, since am still alive.
Oh! And I guess I can still wish my old man a happy birthday afterall. I pray God grants him a longer life so that when I am granted that as well, I may look for him, find him and tell whatever I've got to say to him.
Today's my lil' cousin's birthday actually. She got her wishes already on Facebook...I wish her nothing short of God's mercy and immense blessings...
I may be back here later today if God wills..can't say yet!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Once upon a girl...True Tale!

Once upon a girl who chases the unattainable, seeks that which cannot be held unto, racing against tides, trying relentlessly to elude destiny, questioning fate, cursing life for being brutal and utterly unfair. Yet, remaining faithful and hopeful, taking solace in her innermost and most private spirituality. Inspite of life’s numerous and seemingly endless disappointments, she holds on to her beliefs, values, morality, honesty, openness, loyalty and unconditional love. She believes no matter how unkind life might have been to you, you can love someone, love people; even though they don’t love you back in return. Her large-heartedness brought her aches and pains, subjected her to being taken advantage of, made her helplessly vulnerable; but she bore it all in strides, turned it around as a weapon of strength rather than weakness…A loving heart is not a vice, contrary to what the world may make it seem. Since when did being good become a bad thing?
In the twists and turns of life, some are still fortunate  enough to have discovered their self-worth in time. Fortunate enough to discover their strengths, weaknesses/shortcomings, gifts, talents, grace and blessing (s). ‘In-time’ here would mean before they get into life’s many commitments,, making lifelong decisions life choosing a path to follow, a career/profession, being in a relationship, bearing children. Some on the other hand are left in the woods. They remain in the dark until, maybe too late to make a U-turn…irreparable damage. But in all these, your Creator knows better. Hence commands procreation, the union of the two sexes, yet permits separation, allows the dissolution of this sacred unity; because He knows you more than you do yourself. As sacred as marriage is, these two different individuals may not be tolerant enough to spend the rest of their lives together. They may not be meant for each other. So why force them to remain together when their happiness lies with someone else? The subject is debatable as different faiths have different submission on that…It’s a ‘free’ world and everyone’s free to their opinion.
Your Maker knows you better than anyone does. How Magnificent!
In mankind’s quest for peace for peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction and contentment, you crave the mercy of a Superior Power, seek the bountiful blessing of your Creator, and that’s where religion comes in. But no matter what you do, no matter your level of righteousness, the devil remains an open enemy. The battle never ends until death comes knocking on your door. It’s an endless battle for the redemption of your soul!
This girl is one of those, who just needs a pat on the back, an attentive ear, a shoulder to cry on. But naivety or innocence couldn’t rescue her. Ignorance couldn’t protect her from becoming a victim. It took her an awful long time to figure out where her strength lies. It took her several mistakes and wrong choices to find her inner strength. For someone who loves naturally, gives willingly and feels without struggle, the world wasn’t just ready to give her all that back in return. Had it not been for her faith, she would have discarded the thought that life was worth living. If not for her friends, she would have remained in her own little world, her cocoon and haven, remaining isolated. If not the Grace she’s bestowed, she would have relinquished faith and lost hope…It’s a cruel world afterall!
You know, you meet people at different stages of your life. Everyone knows you differently. People appreciate you for different reasons, they commend you, they love you differently for reasons best known to them. But they all know you differently, and just a handful may know you very well, know you more than others do. Some may just know you to be friendly, a sweetheart, your weakness, simply brilliant, they see you frown, get upset, appreciate your strength, know you’ve got a loving nature, a caring and kind heart and they know what brings out the best in you. Just a handful may appreciate your sensitivity and maybe your emotionally-needy nature. You may just spend your lifetime with someone, you hope would return your feelings, appreciate your sense of value, respect your principle, your appreciation for the finer things in life and the resilience to hold on to your values without compromise, come what may. You may be stuck with someone who constantly expects you to read between the lines. Someone, anyone who despite being the closest to you just doesn’t see what someone distant sees. This person may be ignorant or negligent, or disastrously a combination of both, to your need for attention, a little affection, some tender love and care (call it TLC).
You may just end up working and striving so hard on your own to find solace in your spirituality. You console yourself knowing that, your silent cries and unspoken hurts are only communicated to “The One” Who needs not your utterance to know what’s weighing heavily on your mind. Your undying wishes to be appreciated, be with that person who also appreciates your sensuality, intangible generousity, accept your flaws and loves you nonetheless. You find comfort in knowing that, being denied these wishes here on earth is a blessing for the ‘Afterlife’. That your compensation for the Hereafter would be far more gratifying and satisfying beyond what your mind could ever imagine.
You may feel loved from so many different directions, it may still not be enough to fill that void from one single person…The “One” you sought, found, but could not and will not “have”; yet never cease to long for!
On her own, in her quiet moments, she gets closer to her Creator like no one has ever witnessed and may never know. She trembles at the mention of His name, feels a tremor in her heart. She seeks forgiveness for this major weakness. She akin towards repentance. For she alone knows what the unuttered desires are, the silent unspoken wishes, and all these are “constant reminders for her that, she is only human”. She should not equate herself with the “chosen ones”. She is not a “Saint”. She must therefore continue to be repentant and remorseful, If her general actions speak well for her, she still cannot remain infallible-that is an attribute only for a Superior Power-her Creator. She cannot remain flawless, however commendable her character, holding no grudges or rancour against anyone. She may otherwise see herself as a ‘superior being’ to others. She has to be constantly reminded that she is but human, she is given something to worry about, something to long and wish for…knowing they may not come to reality, wishes that may not get granted…So she is allowed to dream too…She will continue to fight the battle of her desires. She will strive to fill the vacuum that she only knows the depth. She will continually wrestle with her passion, her longings and wishes…
The story of “once upon a girl”, is not just a fairytale. Women find themselves in such situations everyday. Caught in-between two worlds, “to walk away or not”…It is not as simple as “black and white”, there may be a ‘grey area’…But whatever you do, be sure to remember what comes first, what follows that, and what comes next. GOD FIRST, anything else in-between, but, DO NOT PUT YOURSELF LAST!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

need a lil' distraction...

The move...
I’m not shy to admit I had some reservations about Jennifer Love Hewitt. I think the fact that she’s not in your face everytime you see or hear about Hollywood, has something to do with my reservations. I always like to see what role she’d play and if she’s truly talented…You know? Not jus a pretty face thang! So it was with this mindset that I decided to see this late night movie…”IF ONLY”! It was interesting. That’s all I’ve got to say, see it to believe it. I loved the movie. It starred Jennifer, a British guy named Paul Nichols and an older British man, a familiar face, Tim Hopkins. What can I say? The movie was just interesting and I think I saw a little bit of myself in Jennifer, let’s just leave it at that!
I remember I intended to compose a Poem, before this time last year. The South African Broadcasting corporation (SABC2) organised a contest and had different themes. One of the themes was HIV/AIDS. But I didn’t submit any entry. I hadn’t the space and time to compose one. But then again, I know the ‘politics’ they play with everything that allows an immigrant to partake in competitions/contests…”They do not play fair”! I intend to give it a shot sometime in the future, just not now. It would further re-affirm what I already know.

My daughter’s long holidays started today. I do not understand why the school expects us to pay a full month’s fee for eight days. If she had gone for the rest of this week up until next Friday, that would be eight days. Anyway, what would she be doing except play. She’s even better off being home. Am not expecting her to do anything productive, but she’s better off at home’cause there’s someone to look after her, and she’ll be well fed. I may bring her along tomorrow. I’m guessing she’d be bored now. She may play on her own, but she has a better companion in her brother; whose not getting to stay home until next Friday, the 10th,God willing...
I need this distraction, what am working on will end up giving me headache if I do not take this break...

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Down memory lane...

The month has come to an end, and so is the year, approaching the end. I was in one of those moods today. The mood where I want nothing but a mere wishful thinking. 
A fantasy of turning back the hands of time. It appears I have closed my mind to learning and accepting that, “what’s past is past, forward is the only way to go. I can look back but never try to turn back…that I need to move on”. I know this is undeniably true, 
but I sometimes choose to remain in that twilight of wishes and daydreams…There is a difference in this pattern though…Paradoxical, huh? The difference is that I deliberately choose to go down that lane, flashbacks and memories of the good old days. It wasn’t like things were all smooth and interesting. But it was a period in my life that I would never forget, unless my memory is erased.
I have been recalling the school drama, the school organized and in which I partook in commemoration of World AIDS DAY, fifteen years back! That sounds like a lifetime ago…Alliamdulillah, am still alive. Those extra-curricular activities were avenues I explored and felt free to really and truly express myself. It felt really good, those years. School was my ‘comfort zone’, my ‘haven’ away from condemnation and rejection. It always felt good, boosted my self esteem because I knew I was someone and could be recognized for what I could do. Being the best English student, the best literary student wasn’t enough. 
I could and sure did more. And so it’s always with  excitement that I recall some of the school outings that gave me that sense of belonging. It’s  paradoxical how life unfolds. 
I can  in all honesty and not with  pride, earnestly say that, those were the most interesting times of my life. You know what they say, it gets more complicated as you grow older…huh! Life, oh !Life!
Ok, so I went down memory lane today because tomorrow’s the first of December and I just never forget the HIV/AIDS School Drama Competition. My school came fourth amongst seven or eight schools. It was fun. Acting on the stage was different and I got to learn you ‘never’ back your audience in a stage drama. So the first four schools were selected to form another team, and the play was now taken to the theatres…awesomely cool, huh? 
But we didn’t get to see the drama. We had performed it, so now the audience could enjoy…But we did know, our amateur, high school faces were on the big screen, in the theatres…And I bet we made a difference. I still remember most faces, some even with names. My school mates were part of the drama group and some of the lads were from our neighbouring schools.; most of whom am still friends with. It was really fun. I remember some of the silly things that went with that drama. I mean, it was a competition and everyone wanted to be recognised and commended for their roles…I think I would go on and on if I don’t pause now…Am still awake!

Monday, November 29, 2010

...was out today;went to my school!

Registration commenced today, and I was at UNISA, Sunnyside Campus; in Pretoria. Have I mentioned that the main Campus UNISA’s first and foremost building fascinates me, no matter how many times I see it; I look at it as if it were my first. It wasn’t as hectic as I had feared it would be. The first days are usually hectic. But today was quite different. The queues of course remains. But there were no prospective learners roaming around or confused about where to go. The green horns followed the tradition though. I almost laughed when I heard a lady recounting her ordeal. How she had queued on the wrong line, and was eventually re-directed to where she was supposed to be….been there, done that, learnt my lesson! Good thing I can laugh over it now. It was pretty annoying back then and the crowd was overwhelming. Since UNISA is an institution of learning, I won’t be surprised if they have joined the campaign against polluting the environment. Hence, the reason they have gone stringent and almost “stingy” on the brochure dispatch. Perhaps, I’d get them when they send my study materials.
I had been on the queue for about forty-five minutes before I got to sit. I was thirsty before I even began my itinerary for today, but decided not to eat to my fill or drink so much water. I would need to use the ladies, and I didn’t want that to be a distraction. I spent less than five minutes while being attended to at the Access and Matriculation Exemption Section, of the registration. It was almost unbelievable. I had prayed before I left home, prayed on my way there, and prayed when I got there. I had to supplicate for God to take charge and not let anything go wrong. I wanted to be done with whatever I had to do at the Self Help Centre today. I didn’t want to be asked for what was not in my handbag, things like the Marriage Certificate for starters. Anyway, am happy and grateful to God it went well. I had gone with a whole lot of other documents of course, but wasn’t sure I would be required to provide them…better safe than sorry!
I would have said I never enjoyed a ride in a commercial bus, if I hadn’t been home this year to experience the newly introduced BRT (sorry, don’t really know the full meaning). The forty minutes drive back and forth Pretoria was as smooth as silk. I enjoyed the going more. It was very peaceful and I sat comfortably. It was a mini-bus, but very smooth ride. If going out by public transport is that interesting, I honestly wouldn’t mind going to the library in Pretoria, at the main Campus. We shall see. I included a library card while filling in my details today. So hopefully, this time around, I would get a library card and pray to make use of it. It would be nice to get away for sometime, on my own to study.
Am sleepy…took some sleeping pills last night because I haven’t been sleeping well, and it was the fourth day I had been having headache. But it’s subsided now. Gotta go…am really, really sleepy!

Monday, November 22, 2010

Being busy...

I have been working on compiling my Poems…yeah,I know, ”same ol’song”! I did that before, but this time is different. The difference in this is that I’ve re-activated my profiles from my old Online Poetry membership. Some require payment for upgrade, but I think I’d just make-do with the regular membership for now. In all honesty, I would upgrade and improve my chances of finding a reliable publishing company/contract. I don’t want to keep doing everything together and stopping half-way.
Okay, i don't want to jinx it, but so far, I have written a few more and the total as of this moment is thirty...Yes, three-zero...30 Poems at hand. Now I do not know how much is enough. I have no idea how many I'm required to have compiled before I consider a publication. I have decided to make it a duty to do something about the compilation, everyday. By God's grace, I will endeavour to keep this up. Afterall, I need no internet connection for that. But I've also realised that checking these Poetry Sites gives me a boost. It will keep me motivated to keep writing and once again give my Poetry the commitment it requires.
The clutters are here again, and it's painfully about my families. I just hope all is well as I don't usually get this worried. perhaps, it's because it's been way too long that we've communicated. Perhaps, not. Whatever it is, I've got no control over at this time. I leave it to God.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


It’s becoming a routine that every year, Eid would seem like ‘an ordinary day. The few exceptions are the people and the Sheep..I think it would remain “people” as the only exception because we now slaughter Lamb on any other day.
As if that was not enough, I had to deal with hubby saying we were no longer going to the office (I had plans, you know)!In the first place, we were not supposed to be at the office today. But since Islamic holidays are not observed here, the kids had to go to school. We decided they would be home tomorrow;since Eid will be observed here tomorrow and not today.
So when we eventually agreed that I go to the mall to get the items that would be needed for the cooking tomorrow, I was told to hike…Hike?Hike from the mall to the office;with assistance from the young lad from office. How much torture do I need? Well, I went to the mall.And it was nothing I expected. I had not imagined I would be waiting at the mall to be taken back home ,longer than I did shopping. I was made to wait for two and half hours. I wouldn’t say I was frustrated ,but I sure was silently upset. In the spirit of Eid-ul Adha,I decided I would not take out my annoyance on anyone. I was consciously telling myself that I won’t be angry. I had to keep that frame of mind because I was seriously upset. I felt really offended and taken for granted. I typed a memo on my phone at some point as an outlet of what was boiling inside of me. I had spent the early hours of the morning sending Eid greetings to friends on Facebook, and a few text messages to some friends back home and the few Muslims I can reach here. I just kept on reminding myself that my itinerary had been preplanned by God and that no amount of anger was going to change anything. That positive frame of mind kept me going for the two and half hour long wait.
Still had to spend another two hours in the kitchen after I got home. I had to prepare dinner and get started with the little things we could, for tomorrow. It’s going to be a long day. Sorry, I mean “today”-It’s already 17th of November and I should be in Bed. I didn’t take a nap and am wondering why am still awake now. It’s almost 1.a.m and I think it’s best I go to bed right about now…
It’s raining BTW…It’s tempting also. I Love the rain ,it gives me an unspoken comfort and I could type on till daybreak, if I don’t stop now!

Sunday, November 14, 2010



o   Success is the result of foresight and resolution, foresight depends upon deep thinking and planning, and the most important factor of planning is to keep your secrets to yourself.
• Hearts of people are like wild birds, they attach themselves to those who love and train them.
• Only He can forgive who has power to punish.
• If you help a deserving person without his request then it is generosity and if you help him after his request then mostly it is due to shyness to your refusal or fear of reproach.
• There is no greater wealth than wisdom, no greater poverty than ignorance, no greater heritage than culture and no greater helpmate than consultation.
• Wealth converts every foreign country into your native place, and poverty turns your native place into a strange land.
• Contentment is the capital which will never come to an end.
• Wealth is the fountainhead of inordinate cravings.
• Whoever warns you against sins and vices is like the one who is carrying news of salvation to you.
• People in this world are like travelers whose journey is going on as though they are asleep. (Life's journey is going on though men may not feel it.)
• To lose friends is to become a stranger in one's own country.
• Not to have a thing is less humiliating than to beg it of others.
• Do not be ashamed if the amount of charity is small because to return the needy empty-handed is an act of greater shame.
• If you cannot get things as much as you desire, then be contented with what you have.
• An uneducated man or a savage will always overdo a thing or neglect to do
it properly.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I should be in bed, not because it’s late; but because am kind of sleepy. And mainly because I haven’t been sleeping well. Sometimes, I wonder if I won’t opt to stay awake, had nature given me an alternative. It seems I prefer to stay awake, than to eat or sleep. Anyway, I think my migraine finally subsiding was a relief. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. So much that I may have shared with someone that would care to listen. I try to live each day as if I’ve put all these ravaging thoughts behind me, but I haven’t. I haven’t dealt with my granny’s passing away, with not knowing my father’s whereabouts, with not knowing how my siblings are doing; being scattered between Nigeria and Ghana. I’m worried-sick, disturbed and highly perturbed about the way my families are just scattered all over, without been able to contact anyone of them. I’ve not been told by anyone that they have heard from my father or my younger ones..…I think I better go to bed now. Sleep will eventually come. Staying a minute longer here alone will only bring back the thoughts that gives me headache and makes my heart ache. Especially when there’s nothing I can possibly do about it presently. I’ve been feeling a lil’ homesick lately. It’s not like I miss going around or eating something different for a change. I just miss my families. I miss them dearly and wish I could see everyone. I’ve also been slightly concerned because it appears everyone’s been unusually quiet lately. I pray all’s well with them all.
….Still awake! I’ve got a mixed feeling about my father’s incommunicado. It’s easy for people to think that life is easy and that an adult like myself shouldn’t be bothered about having a father or mother around. But how easy is that? I can’t even reconnect with my mother. What’s there to reconnect? There was never a connection there to begin with. So if I had even been considering reuniting with her through my father, how am I supposed to do that when I’ve got no slightest clue where he is? I mean, I may not have mentioned it at all, but I was silently hurting and devastated that he was nowhere to be found when his mother passed away. I doubt my Uncle has been able to contact him either. With today’s level of technological advancement, one would have thought that, my younger ones would consider getting in touch via electronic or post mail. They may not even be able to afford a phone call. But the good old fashion way of letter mailing still works; just may take a little longer. I would have thought they would think of that option. So is it true what they say that the blood relation from mother is stronger than that of the father’s? Am I supposed to believe this or just discard it as a superstition? Am bleeding within, am hurting deep down inside; yet no one’s meeting me halfway. There were times I felt guilty and almost irresponsible because I feel it was my duty as the oldest child to find my younger ones. But how do you find people who aren’t using their initiatives? I have tried the numbers I was given to no avail. Maybe I should retry the numbers again tomorrow and see what happens next. My father’s in the habit of giving things away and this includes his SIM card. How does one reach him when he keeps changing his numbers sporadically? I do not even know what to do with the man’s situation. And the family thinks I’ve been in contact with him, because he’s my father. Well, what can I say? I am his daughter and that’s a fact that’s not going to change, whether I renounce him as one or refuse to call him my father. His blood flows in my body…God! This is so exhausting and tiring. Olohun, temi dowo re o!
Nice night!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Why till 'morrow?

Do not wait till tomorrow, what you can do today
Often times we hear the saying, “Life is too short”…
Same old song, we say and then dismiss it,
If only we could take a pause to ponder,
Why this saying ?
I think reality hits us,
When someone we knew or a loved one pass on,
Yet we need not wait till this happens,
For every minute of every hour and every day,
New lives are brought into the world…
So while some rejoice in cheerfulness and excitement,
Some mourn in anguish for an irreparable loss,
So why wait till you lose someone,
Before truly realizing that life is indeed short?
Let’s make the best use of the time that is now…
Be good, do good, be kind, be considerate, be thankful for little blessings,
Thank God and say “Thank you” to someone today…
I just did!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

When I finally got my very first that is!

 I finally got my very own laptop today. Alliamdulillah, it’s long overdue!
I had resigned to fate and wasn’t keen about it anylonger. But of course, am excited about it, like anyone else would. Although, my day was alright, but the evening wasn’t pleasant and I will be going to bed in that manner. I sure do not feel like talking now. Besides, who would I be chatting with? The kids are off to bed now, and am clearly not in the mood for any chit-chat with hubby this night. I think this is a very good time to sleep. It’s coming naturally….Early to bed………………..fill in the gap!
Nightly night!
That post was from Tuesday. Between then and now, my husband’s phones (had been stolen, I completed the training brochure I was working on yesterday, thankfully. Alliamdulillah, and we have reclaimed hubby’s Blackberry; for the second time in eight months. God help us!
Editing is something I enjoy doing, I haven’t really given it much thought until now. It’s always been part of me. Am not the best English language student around, but I enjoy reading for editing purpose only. That shouldn’t come as a surprise, it’s part of the media possibilities that could be explored in the future; God willing.
So, we have hired a new staff at the office. Someone who has taken a lot of strain off my husband’s shoulders. I have nicknamed him a ‘genius’ whether he’s too modest to accept it or not. He’s a software programmer, graduated with a first class in an IT course.I am always challenged when I work with brilliant minds...It keeps my brain working at a fast pace...and I like that!

Owing a laptop is long overdue, so you can understand why I wasn’t particularly excited. I am grateful to my husband for doing that for me. It means my home desktop can take a break for now. I think e better start computer lessons for the kids with that.
Ok, now am muddling everything up together. Actually, not being able to keep my blog updated regularly usually leaves me with so many disjointed thoughts.

Post originally drafted on 12th October,2010

call it blabbing....

If only I can capture the blissful breeze blowing outside now. Besides the rain, a weather like this calms me and gives me the tranquility that doesn’t come often.
Hmmm! “What do I know about men”? That was the question hubby asked me as we were in the middle of a matter that concerned a third party. What a question!
I may not have been around for long, but I sure have been around long enough to know a thing or two about men. They are first and foremost egocentric beings. No apologies there, just stating the fact.
I don’t think I've got the feel I need to write about that subject now. When I eventually do, it won’t be an essay… would be a ‘book’!
So I have been trying to re-ignite my passions. I honestly don’t know where to begin, but I’m going to figure it out soon, God willing. I have heard the saying” Jack of all master of none” for as long as I can remember. But I think there may be an exception to that statement. Besides, I think what you do matters. If it’s a completely different thing; you know? Like “diverting” or “diversifying”. If you are still within the same field but different sections/fields, then you can’t call it “Jack of all’. I think branching out completely would call for that saying…
Alright, I know! Maybe am just trying to convince myself that aspiring to do more than one thing is okay.  So I want to be a journalist, a broadcaster, presenter and an editor. Did I mention producer and director? Oh! Yes, an author too. So all these are related one way or the other. So I can certainly ‘do all and be all’, God on my side.
Doing other things has distracted me from doing the things I love and enjoy most like writing for instance. I have brought out past written poems, contests I entered, even letters. I know I get inspired when I read my past writings. But what am giving utmost consideration now is editing. If only I could get a job in editing, no qualifications required. Now how often does that happen?
That was me babbling a week back...
Post originally drafted on 24th October...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Why are people interested in politics?

I read something on the TV in the early hours of today. I was wide awake after tossing on the bed for too long. So I decided to see what was on TV and had the privilege of seeing the intro of SABC International News. They must have a word for that in the Media vocabulary, but I don’t know what it’s called. Anyway, the words were displayed in singles and it asked: “Why are people in Politics? Is it for War, People, and so on like that.

As a former political science student and an averagely political-minded person, that caught my attention.

Of course I had tossed burning questions like that in my head several times, more than I can recall. It’s just a waste of energy because the response is staring me right in the face….Majority of politicians venture into politics for selfish reasons. Simple!

Otherwise, how do you explain the pathetic state of anarchy in some countries? How do you explain the sorry situation of the country where the citizens are lavishing in poverty and the politicians get to stash money away in foreign accounts (am still coming to deal with those foreign receptors)?

What was it Thomas Hobbes said about evil prevailing when the elites keep quiet in a society?

I wish I could go on a campaign that would make my fellow citizens appreciate our country better. It is a onerous task because majority ‘thinks’ that the grass is always greener on the other side. Hello! Reality check please!

I can imagine the first response I will get sounding like, “It is easier said than done”. Now I wouldn’t really blame anyone for saying such because, I’ve been there, done that, know better!

I haven’t travelled halfway round the world, but I don’t need to; to get the picture that, no matter what you become, who you are, your achievements, titles, accolades and what have you, it doesn’t change “who you really are”. It doesn’t change your heritage, your root, where you really come from. I think it would ease our thoughts and challenges once we accept that fact, indisputably.

In case you are wondering why/how I suddenly became an advocate for patriotism, wonder no further. I have this innate thing for justice. I don’t know if that makes sense to you or if am blowing too much grammar. I would like to think am trying, you know, stroking my own ego a little. Afterall, English is not my mother-tongue or my primary language. So, what am trying to say in essence is that, I have a knack for ‘idealism’. I like the idea of doing things right, fighting for and defending the oppressed. Clamouring for justice, aspiring for serenity and humanity. I am a self-confessed “feminist”- if it doesn’t mean absurdity or fanaticism. I do not subscribe to subjugation, degradation, oppression and inhumane activities. Yes, I know and agree that this may sound too “unrealistic” and infeasible. But I will rather nurture the idea of a better world than become thick-skinned, cold and heartless. I would rather be referred to as a weakling, too sensitive, overly emotional and too compliant; than become selfish, self-centred, greedy and power-drunk.

The desperation displayed by our disadvantaged citizens, has brought us humiliation, shame and leaves us with less dignity or non at all. I have witnessed this and was a victim of racism, ethnocentrism, stereotyping, name-calling, labeling, tagging and what not.

I have seen enough, learnt enough and have a sufficient knowledge of what it means to be an “outsider”. A foreigner in another country. A second-class citizen.

I wouldn’t want to delve into these unmemorable encounters in detail. But I will make a few instances from my experience.

While in the UK, England precisely; opening a bank account was almost impossible. Anyway, when we eventually got our way; I didn’t just open a bank account, I opened an account with one of their topmost banks-Barclays. That was a few years back.

My husband’s car was damaged by some of the locals. The neighbourhood teens just decided it was too fancy for a Black, a foreigner and walked right through the windscreen, shattering it beyond repair. Due to their efficient service delivery, the police arrived under two minutes after we made the call. But it didn’t do much help as the boys could not be traced. It was late at night, at about 11 p.m.

Now in South Africa, the moment we opened our mouths to say we were Nigerians, it was as if we just shot ourselves in the foot. They came up with countless excuses and reasons we wouldn’t be able to open a bank account. In the end again, we didn’t just get bank accounts (I’ve got only one by the way), I opened a savings account with one of their stringent ones-NED Bank. It doesn’t really matter whether my account is dormant or inactive; at least I’ve got one in my name.
Now, last year, we attempted to get our son into a privately owned school for a qualitative education, it didn’t happen for similar reasons.

Let me tell you this in case you don’t know- the white people have a way of laughing at you and make you think they’re laughing with you. Have you ever heard of the word-plastic smile’? That says it all. I can almost say I haven’t seen more polite beings walking this earth. They will politely reject or refuse you. They may even politely tell you you’re foolish without uttering the word. Don’t get me wrong, am no racist. Am just telling you what I have encountered and witnessed happen. I must also state that, I have met a handful of foreigners who were nice to me, irrespective of my identity. All am saying is that, they could at least be civil about not liking a foreigner; not throwing it in your face.
I cannot and will not denounce my identity and what I represent because of some people’s ignorance.

I am not supporting any politician, not benefiting from any politician’s loot, do not have a politician in my family as of now (it could happen in the future), and am no friend to one yet. However, I have been privileged to meet, interact and dine with a few. It was an eye opener because; it made me see the side of them that isn’t revealed to the public. They are just ordinary people like you and I. Without their political portfolios, they may be your next house neighbour or the friend of a friend and something like that. It also gave me the privilege to realise that, we shouldn’t throw away the baby with the bath water. We shouldn’t be quick to judge, or make a blanket judgement. My point is,” Most of them may be bad; but it doesn’t mean all of them are bad”. I met a recently retired commissioner who was humble enough to stay in our guest house, instead of a five-star hotel. He is as humane as they come. In his state, he accommodates students to live with him, sharing the same roof with him and his family. Students profess his kindness and generousity such that, Youth Corpers refer themselves to this man for help when they are posted to his state for Youth Service. He helps people he doesn’t know and asks for nothing in return. He just does it because he cares. He is one of the very few Nigerians who by heart and action wish this country to reclaim her lost glory. I met a now retired Permanent Secretary (PS), a governor aspirant, a senior civil servant recently became a PS, I have met in person and chatted with the present Consular General of Nigeria in South Africa; a very humble man with a polite disposition and a wealth of knowledge. The truth is, had I also not been opportuned to meet and relate with these people, I would also be like others thinking everyone in any government position is there to loot, squander and stash away the hard earned money of ordinary civilians.

My advocacy is this, rather than condemning and rebuking our country, our leaders and recounting the countless things that have gone wrong, why don’t we as ordinary people see what we can do to make a difference. If we keep pointing fingers and laying blames, it doesn’t get anything done. Am also abroad but certainly would return to my country home someday, God willing. I hope and plan to contribute to national development in anyway I can. I also would like to give back, praying that I break even in the nearest future. We should not limit giving back to monetary values. It could be in service delivery, like volunteering for instance. Those who are abroad should look at ways they can help make our nation better. Each one of us should start thinking about others and not ourselves alone. Those of us that are educated should be grateful and look at ways to help others. We can give back in terms of knowledge….it’s about time we did something and stopped lamenting. Yes, that’s why we have leaders. Yes, we are poor. Yes, Nigeria’s GDP is ranked 43 amongst the 52 Africans countries. Yes to many so many abnormalities in our society. Yes also to doing the little we can to make a difference. Yes to not being frustrated with the system that has failed us. Yes to not giving up on our nation. Yes to still being patriotic, despite our deficiencies. Yes to nation building. Yes to making a difference. Yes, we can contribute. And yes, it would make a difference…..

That’s all am saying!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

My daughter at five weeks or thereabout.

Above:My dear Uncle and my daughter.
Below:My cousin with my daughter and my late granny!
My kids!
Dad and his grandkids

Above....Four generations,my late and grandkids.
Below from left....Mother-in-law,hubby&a family member!

The time finally came!

I was out all day yesterday. When I say” the whole day, I mean THE BETTER PART OF THE DAY”! I was a tourist guide”. I had to take out guests (couples) on a tour of our popular Festival Mall at Kempton Park. They are here for a management training, and are lodged in our B&B.I had no idea I would be doing so much walking. Else, I would have worn something more comfy’. My toes were seriously complaining, killing me softly. I eventually ended up walking without shoes (I had socks on though). Even if I hadn’t, I couldn’t care less! I just had to get those shoes off my sore feet.
I had never taken anyone shopping for ten hours!Please don’t ask, I was on duty!
After all that, I still had to return home to be a mother and a wife. I had to cook and make dinner for everyone.And that I did! I had been on some medication and it came in handy.I doubt I would have stood for another hour if I hadn't take the meds.
So, I went to bed early, with the intention of commencing my six-Shawwal fasting today. Actually, I was supposed to have commenced yesterday.But I couldn’t start earlier for private reasons….Don’t start imagining things!
I did go to sleep earlier than I usually do and that was the reason no one could reach me on my phone, until this morning. I switch off phones at bed time, except I need the alarm on.
I was awoken with the news of my granny passing away last night. Hubby saw his message before I even switched on my phones. I think God just wanted me to get some sleep as I wouldn’t have been able to, had I received the news last night. I saw missed calls, missed text message less than an hour ago. One phone was switched off, and the other was on silent.
Am supposed to be part of the Management trainees today. But am suddenly fagged out and feel like I need another round of sleep….It ain’t gonna happen!
Even though I’ve announced my granny’s demise publicly, it feels like it hasn’t really sunk that she’s truly gone. That’s the feeling I always get when I hear that someone I know back home has passed on. The reason’s because am thousand of miles away from home and it feels like I’d see these people when next I travel home.
Am not in denial, I just haven’t had the space to process the reality, and maybe mourn my granny a little. The feeling is like awaiting something concrete, something tangible, and something I can touch to really feel that she’s goneGone! Dead!! To be seen nor heard no more!
This post is uncompleted... I will in the nearest future pay a tribute to my granny, God willing.
The one I had posted months back was while she was alive.Now that she's no more, it's time for reminisce and yet another tribute to her...She came, she saw, she battled, and conquered! My granny! An epitome of sanctity and chastity!

From last week....

It’s 9.35 am. Am at the office and I am supposed to be working .But I think I’d need some inspiration before I can proceed. My son, only son and first child clocked seven on the 1st of September. It was almost surreal, to think that, the tiny little baby that was a part of me seven years back; is now old enough to ask me questions, tell me what he wants, refuse when he doesn’t want, and even throw tantrums when he chooses to be silly!
What can I say? That’s what we prayed for right? That our child grows up healthy and be responsible, but most of all, be God-fearing! I need no crystal ball to remind me that child bearing and child bearing are totally different. It’s as easy as saying that anyone can have a child, even though not everyone does. But anyone cannot raise a child. It takes a lot of sacrifice, tolerance, perseverance, patience and commitment to raise a child. I want to believe that I didn’t turn out so bad myself. Thank God for that! I still anticipate the fear and anxiety experienced by most parents who wants nothing but the best for their child. The fear that, when they grow up; will they still be threading the path on which their foundation was based? The fear of uncertainty, asking yourself if you’ve done well. Questioning if you have put in every effort to ensure your child has a bright future. The fear of the future, what will become of your child when he or she becomes independent? The fear that, they may or not make the right decision concerning life’s choices, and what seems to matter most to their existence as a human being.
The truth is, I may not be the World’s number one mom. But I know for certain that, I have been doing everything within my capacity to ensure my kids grow up to be responsible individuals. Am still in the learning stage, I admit. But I’ve also done more than my own folks did for me. So, am giving myself a pat on the back for a job well done…well, almost well done!
Smiles! Gosh! I missed blogging terribly! 

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Just a summary!

What’s the latest? Alright, we finally fenced-off the uncontrollable dogs, defeacating on the lawns and jumping on our old short fence. Somehow, haven’t been able to ‘enjoy’ that privacy because it’s chilly outside and I’d have to wait until summer...which is close by. So it’s not going to be a long wait.
So registration is closed for this session and I can’t say I’ve got plenty of time on my hands.
My sewing machine needs to be serviced; I wonder what happened to it. That means-“no sewing”!
I got tired of studying and brainstorming for an exam that has not been fixed for a particular date. Am sure I won’t be able to recall the chapters I had read and the images I had tried to stick in my head (call it cramming) ahead my driving theory exams. I’m still trying top figure out how the systems works in that department. That I could be sent to another province to write the 100 question long MCQ still amazes me. I thought things were supposed to be easier here, being a developed nation. Anyway, if I can be assured it would be within a month or two, then; I’d start reading again. Oh! I’m forgetting something. This license will expire in two months’ time. God help me. The year’s gradually coming to an end and I just don’t want to let that happen without achieving at least one tangible task.
So the kids officially back to school and my daughter’s eager to leave “Crèche” for a “Pre-School”. She’s been giving endless excuses to avoid returning to that school, since she resumed three days ago. Kids, don’t underestimate their cleverness!
The auspicious month’s just a few days away. RAMADAN is here. Well, almost, masha Allah! Looking forward to it. Not really much’ physical’ preparation (but my freezer is already stocked with Chicken and beef). But God willing, I’m intending to do more than the routine of the past few years. This season is quite different and the cultural difference hasn’t made the Muslim festival an interesting one like what we are used to back home. I want the kids to really feel a difference this year. God willing, by this tine next week, we’d (Muslims all over the world) be fasting.
Oh! And am back to the office, as of Tuesday.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Back at last!


I remember clearly how I repeatedly kept saying “I had a life to return to” (I still do) and that “I just needed to get out of that place (Nigeria that is). I actually wasn’t desperate. But I was more disturbed about the fact that remaining in Lagos was costing us much more than we had bargained for.
The first couple of weeks I must admit were almost unbearable. After the fourth week, I refused to be frustrated and accepted the situation as my’fate’.What else could I have possibly done? The situation got worrisome when people (families and friends) assumed we had left only to learn we were still around. I think I probably would have handled it better, were it not for those comments.
Albright’s this last trip wasn’t “holiday” as planned. It was an eventful one that’s left me with an experience of a lifetime...if you may. From the beginning till the end of the entire ordeal, there were lessons I was meant to learn, experiences I had been destined to pass through, the people I had to meet by fate and the impact or impression I was made to leave behind. Inspite of everything, It took exactly two months from arrival for my passport to be stamped. The dates were exact. Everything surrounding my experience was just meant to be. And no matter what I had done or had planned to do, it would have still not hastened the process. The efforts didn’t ease it or expedite it either. And that’s why God knows best.

And now, if not for the cold, I would have been complaining of boredom. It’s almost beginning to feel like Lagos all over again. The difference so far ahs been less worry’ bout how much we’d be expending and how long it’d take to get our visas. But it has been serenely peaceful and noiseless, to a very large extent. I haven’t heard the noise from generator sets, no bakers talking in the midnight like it was noon, no careless chattering with no regard for people who just want to have some quietness and God, no more carrying buckets of water back’n’forth the compound.
At first, I really didn’t feel it and didn’t complain. What gave me that calmness was knowing we were going to be around for a short while.Afterall,I was born and bred in this same country.That,was my birth country. The washing didn’t feel awkward or stressful at first also. I had always enjoyed washing. I only started noticing the blisters on my fingers after my first heavy wash (which was a couple of weeks after we arrived). I knew it wasn’t going to be easy henceforth.
Now, I feel like I have an” unfinished businesses” back home. I feel like I had more opportunities to explore and spread my wings than I do her (I had that feeling all the time I’ve been here). I later felt that, perhaps; if I became more open-minded, I would adjust and see that things are not really as bad as I deemed it to be. I felt that I could do more and be more back home, than here.
I was privileged to see some of my brethren, old school and classmates. I visited a few friends amidst the serial disappointments from the SA High Commission.Oh!and that reminds me about that “article” I had bragged so much about writing…It will happen. I just need to get my ‘mood’ right. I was already beginning to feel a little compassion for them after the seemingly appeared to be concerned’ bout my health on arrival.Yeah!my temperature had risen to 38.5 degrees. I had been feeling little under the weather days earlier but downplayed it, in my usual manner. I couldn’t afford to fall sick. I would be travelling in the company of my daughter who would require my assistance in everything. But no matter how hard I tried to downplay it, I couldn’t cheat nature. I was feeling weak, sickly and almost worn out. The consequence of mental,physical,financial and emotional stress was finally evident. The whole ordeal had taken a toll on my health.Well,I was still able to pull myself together for as long as it took us to fly down to OR Tambo International Airport in Johannesburg. It was a good thing the new device for scanning picked up on my temperature. I don’t know how sickly I was at the time and would have thought it was just fatigue. But since I knew we didn’t evade mosquitoes, I had bought anti-malaria drugs for myself and my little girl.
I was indoors for three days without stepping outside the door before I went to the Guest House (it’s just across the road incase you’re wondering how far it is from here). It’s already Thursday night and there’s no possibility of going anywhere until weekend. Am not even sure about that yet, am expecting a visitor.
So until then, I think I’ll just wrap this up for tonght.Am kindof feeling tired.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Before I rest my eyes for the night!

Anxiety, anticipation and uncertainty is a bubble buster!
The news I got today when hubby arrived wasn’t what I had expected. Not that I raised my hope though. It just wasn’t what I was hoping for.  I wish we hadn’t made this much preparation. Now we’ve got to keep taking groceries, clothes, and books from the luggage. That’s just an automatic‘re-packing’ afterwards. It gets a little messy too.
Today, I felt like a real ‘full time’ housewife! I joggled my tasks and tried chatting with an old friend, alongside that…call it’multitasking’.Women are good at that. I had the apron on for one third of the day, cooking, cleaning and with the kids, driving me nuts. Can you blame them? The poor kids have really prepared to visit their relations, family friends and kids they’ve interacted and played with recently. Our flight was eventually cancelled and that didn’t come as a surprise. What would have been a surprise would be things going accordingly. Now we’re back to where we started. Taking a short route to getting my permit endorsed into the new passport, didn’t go as planned. Now I’d have to take it down to Home Affairs in person with my hubby (what would I do without him?).
I had anticipated delays, not that I enjoy it. But I had to face the reality. And this was why I hadn’t told most of my friends I was travelling. The few I informed are already asking “when” I’d be coming. As for me, there’s no much excite left here! Perhaps, getting my permit endorsed would ignite that eventually, perhaps not. Am not holding my breath!
I think I should retire for the night. I’ve got a busy day ahead of me tomorrow, God willing. It’s going to be a long one…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!!!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

"Lost but not found"...

"We can never live in the past as if it were our true home. And it is a good thing that God draws this veil over the past even without our asking. In so doing, He allows us to live today for tomorrow with just the few memories we need of what was"- Karl Barth
It’s easy to quote this saying, but difficult to adhere to. As much as I’m trying and willing to put the circumstances that led to the loss of my passport behind me, I can’t help but wonder “what really happened to it”. I have blamed myself for the loss. But that doesn’t make it any easier or less hurtful. I have now decided to accept it as the will of God. The uncertainty makes things more difficult too. The only option left was taking my passport (the new and ‘empty’ one) to home affairs, and having my ‘permit’ transferred. Finding a copy of the ‘Permit page’ wasn’t a walk at the park. It took a little brainstorming and am glad I came up with the solution. I have uttered less words regarding this unfortunate incident…I had done more of ruminating and self-criticism; internally.
Going to the Ned Bank for assistance seemed to be the only hope initially. We returned to the office, disappointed (with a fine of parking in the ‘loading area’-don’t ask me how?). My school would have been another option, but it’s clearly a ‘no-go area’. After much thought, I recalled the Licensing office. Yes, the Learner’s licensing permit I received last year. I mentioned that and, hubby never hesitated for once. He said that was our best bet. I was more optimistic than I had been in the past one week. We got there and waited for some minutes…but it was well worth every minute because-we got a copy of my permit page’. We didn’t realise it was going to be a long day ahead of us. After the whole meeting about the home affairs, we headed for what was supposed to be a ‘window shopping’. Hubby decided we bought the groceries for the kids eventually. I had thought we’d be going back to the office afterwards, but we couldn’t. The whole day had passed by so fast and we just had to go get the kids from school and head home…I haven’t stepped out of this house since that Friday evening.
I had to return to a piled up dish in the sink, and an improvisation for dinner. I did my best and even had to sacrifice the last dose of panado (aspirin for headache) for hubby. We both needed it. But I was fine the following morning…physically that is. But since then, I haven’t taken my mind off the shopping I need and had planned. We couldn’t get my permit signed and that left us with a ‘question mark? Would we still make it on Monday? Can we make it in time enough to catch our flight in the afternoon? If not, what date should we change the date to? And the questions just keep running through my head, non-stop.
This is clearly not the way I had envisioned this trip. Even though I wasn’t excited, I hadn’t envisaged that my plans would be disrupted this badly. Nothing’s going according to plan now, and it’s just not my style. I can’t even make a call through to my cousins announcing that we’d be coming down and make arrangements of who’s going to come get me and the kids from the airport. Some of them have no idea am even coming at all. And after all that’s happened, am definitely not keen on making that call. I know it doesn’t help me, but I just can’t shake the disappointment off or pretend like nothing happened. It has put a lot of strain on us financially and has really halted my plans. If things don’t work out as planned, I guess I’d just have to leave with whatever I’ve got and keep narrating my story: “I lost my passport, we had to get a new one, with the permit of me and my daughter’. We’ve spent beyond our budget and have incurred an unplanned and unnecessary expense”...Blah! Blah!!Blah!!!
I guess there’s nothing to be excited about afterall…It’s so depressing!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


It won’t be the first time I’d be wishing for something, either would this be the last…As humans, we always wish for one thing or the other. It’s human nature!
I feel like am in a dream, having a terrible and horrific nightmare…God please wake me from my slumber if this is truly a bad dream…
If this is a nightmare, I do not even want to close my eyes to sleep or slumber.
I do not exactly have words to express how am really feeling right now. This is a disaster. I feel somewhat stupid, disappointed in myself, troubled, terribly disturbed and hopeless…Did I mention helpless too?
Where do I begin from? How do I start explaining what I’ve got no slightest clue about? I haven’t had a real laugh in four days. No matter how much I try, I just can’t let this guilty feeling go away and forge ahead…My “Passport is missing”!
I do not know how, where or when it happened. An unexpected visit from the SA immigration department brought this to my attention on Friday; at the office. There was no way I would have known as I only carry it around for the same immigration purposes. Am even ashamed to say it to anyone. I haven’t felt more careless than I feel right now.  Meanwhile, I neither forgot it somewhere nor used it for personal purposes. The last I recall of it was when I gave it to hubby when he wanted to go purchase tickets for the family (to watch Nigeria’s 2nd match for the FIFA WORLD CUP 2010, since we’re the hosting nation and it’s an event of a lifetime).
Digressing a little-his earlier efforts to purchase tickets for the first match between Argentina and Nigeria, at the Stadium (Ellis Park, Johannesburg) within our reach proved futile. Apparently, he didn’t need our (the kids and I) passports for the purchase…only his was requested. I remember collecting it from him when he returned, and that’s the last thing I recall. I took them straight to the bedroom and into my wardrobe; instantly.
Am so downcast because this is happening at a really wrong time. We were scheduled to travel next week (am already using the past tense because I’d need a miracle to find the passport before then-AND I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES!)

I feel like freezing time (like Hiro in the series “Heroes”)…If only that was possible! I don’t even want to go to sleep because that’d be another day, and fewer days left. What’s more disturbing is the fact that;  have searched every possible place, turned the house inside out, brainstormed, racked  my brain, refreshed my memory, traced back my steps of the past one week but came up with nothing. I feel like I blanked out when it happened. I can’t link it to anywhere, any possibility or probability…
Am racing against time! God help me! Am in dire need of a miracle!
I can’t close my eyes. I don’t want to sleep, but I will. A couple of people I’ve told about says “I should believe, have faith”…. Because they know how religious I am. But am not feeling so religious right now...I think am more puzzled, confused, shattered and worst still, am not getting the moral support I need. Am just going around a ‘grumpy and miserable woman’ in the house. I wish to be left alone, but that’s not gonna happen...there’s always someone in my face, in my space. I wanted to go for a walk and clear my head in the afternoon, but got too lazy. I decided to walk about ten to fifteen minutes to the grocery store on Saturday, after our guests left. Instead of sending the staff at the guest house, as even hubby suggested, I didn’t. I thought it would help gain perspective and maybe bring back a memory of what I might have left out. But it didn’t. I returned with a strained elbow joint, from carrying the shopping bags on both hands instead. That didn’t really bother me. I just needed to get out of the house as I was feeling crowded! I was alone with the kids and had nowhere to go or anyone at that to share my plight with...
At this juncture I don’t know what to choose…hold on to faith and hope for the best OR simply resign to fate and accept my misfortune…
It’s amazing how such a ‘small booklet’ can change your life, make or mar it!
God help me, this is a nightmare!