Friday, March 19, 2010

Don't try too hard to make any sense of it...just thinking out loud as usual!

Am open to suggestions….May be am getting ‘too comfortable’ in my comfort zone. Or is it lack of time management? Does it mean am unserious all these years, procrastinating g that I intend to write a book? I think I’ve said it more times than I can remember that,”I want to write a book” .Even some of my friends have asked me “what about your book now”? It was really thoughtful of them and they don’t realize how much I appreciate the fact that they think I can do it. I’ve always said that, my friends even have more faith and confidence in me than I in myself.
I was watching Oprah Winfrey’s show yesterday and she had a guest that has written a Book, which has accumulated millions of dollars, in the box office. The Book’s been
Turned to a movie and it has gained popularity over the last five years or more. Don’t rack your brain, it’s not Harry Potter. Am leaving the details out as am not advertising for the movie…The movie has sold itself!
What really interested me in all of this is the fact that, this woman’s in her mid-thirties and she’s a stay-at-home mom. So she got the inspiration to write from a dream and the rest is history as they say. She uses her laptop according to her, typing every idea that readily comes to her mind. She was awed as she never expected the victory and accomplishments an ordinary dream has brought her. She’s become famous overnight, unintended and she’s humbled by that. Another thing that I wish the interview would shed more light on is how she managed to get-way from family’s interruption, the house chores and how she handled writing her books along with being a wife and mother to three sons. Whatever and however she did it, I give her the kudos.
The reason am stating these already known facts’ not farfetched. I can barely practice my sewing with the kids climbing and jumping all over the place. I never seize to wonder where they get their energy from. God is awesomely wonderful!

I may get back to this later..or not!It's going to be a long weekend...Monday's a Public holiday!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

My mind's all over the place...gbami Olohun!

If I keep on saying “I need a vacation”,” I need a break”, I need a holiday”, the pressure’s just too much”, I need to breathe”. I need to get away from here for a little while”…It will seem like an excuse. But that’s just the plain truth..”I need a break from all of these mounting pressures every single day. I just don’t see any other way around it. I’ve made two mistakes I shouldn’t have made at the office, without even realizing it for over a week until now. Am not even sure how serious the damage is. But it appears to be reversible. Just a longer route and extra money to be spent on our side.

This of course isn’t the first of recurrent incidents lately, where I’ve been distracted. My mind’s all over the place and I have suddenly become incredulously forgetful. Am not saying I’ve got the memory of a genius. All am saying’s that it’s very unlike me to forget important things, be continually distracted. But it’s happening and I know it’s time for a ‘real break’. That wish seems to be farfetched because I can’t have anytime to myself. That’s what happens when you’re a mother of two kids, hyperactive (with a Capital “H”) and a demanding entrepreneur as a husband. It’s a long walk from ‘me-time’. But I’ll still keep hammering that I need a break. Who knows, I may just be fortunate to get one (with the kids tagging along of course)….
Honestly,I don't really feel good right now.Plus the medication am taking's just giving me funny side effects..drowsiness,dizziness,slurry speach and I still get sleepy after waking up...Thought this was supposed to make me feel better..Well,I guess it am sleeping longer and still feel like sleeping again,after waking up from seven hours'sleep.Is this really me or has someone else taken over my body?

Sunday, March 14, 2010

It's your choice...

Am not afraid of colours. But am only realising that after all these years, I didn't know how reserved and ‘plain’ I was until I started watching this make-over show’ Style by Jury’. Don’t get me not saying am deciding my style by some TV show. All am just saying’s that, it made me realise I’ve not been that flexible with colours. Even though I’ve always had my own style, taste and sense of fashion, I still lacked the sense of exploring which is typical of my nature. Am not a one-way traffic. I’m open to change and very flexible. I really didn’t realise how less of bright colours I’ve worn over the years. Looking back now, I realised I actually wore clothes as a teenager for their’ style’ and fitness, rather than what colour I really like. And in my adolescence, I tuned towards ‘earth colour’ with a blend of burgundy, red and especially brown. The green that was included in my wardrobe wasn’t really given a second thought.Hmmm! What is it they say about change!
So, in my adulthood, I’ve found my own style, my true-self, my dress sense and my own comfortable sense of fashion. Believe me when I say, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with the so-called’ walkway’ or’ Hollywood’ fashion. Am so-so not into all that crap about some celebrity style and drab. And I so do not like the idea that some people can just sit down, watch you parade, make a fool of yourself and become an ‘authority’ on what ‘fashion’ is. For me, I do not think there’s a specific definition to what is’ fashionable’ or not. I believe that fashion is individualistic. It is ‘your syle’.’Your look’ your ‘comfort ‘and what makes you feel good with and about yourself. I strongly believe that, what you wear portrays how you feel. It is your own identity and not a representation of what someone or some people consider’ fashion worthy’. I honestly don’t care about labels and logos. I am of the opinion that whatever fabric you choose to wear should make you feel relaxed, comfortable and confident. The word vogue can come to play,agreed.But, what if dressing for’ what’s in vogue or in fashion’ gives you no room to breathe? What if it’s just not your style? What if it doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. All in the name of ‘vogue’, some people will almost choke from wearing tight-fitted clothing. Some even look stupid because they want to look younger. The so-called ‘plus-size’ (whatever that means) will join the wagon and display their extra-fats and folds, to feel ‘among’.Common, gimme a break! You can wear lose clothing and still feel good. You can just save the world another worry about obesity and  bad nutrition.there’re better things like famine, wars and natural disasters to worry about.
I am just happy to have always had that sense of ‘I will put on whatever makes me feel comfortable and modest’. So far, the few ‘cheap’ fabrics I have purchased, some sewn some not, in practising my sewing lessons, have been said to be good by people who saw them. I was even asked where I got one at the fabric store yesterday….surprisingly by a white lady…She said she really liked it and that it was a nice fabric. Meanwhile, all the time I had been to that store, I’ve never really seen anyone buy my choice of fabrics. But it never really bothered me because, we’re buying them for different purposes.Besides, am not buying what everybody’s buying. As a matter of fact, the few people I’ve mentioned to that am sewing on my own now have asked ‘where I got the fabrics from’.
I’ve always worn trousers (Americans call them pants’sorry.., am from the British former colonies as you’d have noticed in my English).Back in the days that I used to be a tom-boy (thank God for my Girls’ only High School).And now, I’ve gone back to my ‘real’ and true ‘style’…I’m back to my trousers (cargo pants mostly, a couple of regular lady trousers and Corduroys and Jeans….with long blouses or Caftans. Besides, most people seem to think they suit me better than the Skirts, which I wear thinking it would make me look ‘femine’…Alas! Well….I’ve got nothing against fashionistas...except that, they shouldn’t tell people what to wear on their dictates and fashion sense. Different strokes for different folks. Before I round up this post, let me quickly remind you that, for religion and moral reasons, am not for ‘exposed dressings’ and half-naked clothing. But in the end, it’s a free world as they say. And I’m not chastising or calling anybody names. Everyone’s free to do as they wish, until we are made to account for our deeds….And am not a saint! Just a faithful messenger….

Saturday, March 13, 2010

"I'm happy to have families and friends who care".....

Am happy tonight...Happier,livelier and more grateful even.
I've always said that the best things in life are not things.And today just goes to prove that the more.Even if I was back home in my country,I wouldn't have received this much wishes and prayers today,being my birthday.I would of course spend time with my families and maybe a few friends.But It feels so good and I feel particularly special because people I haven't set my eyes on in years...are wishing me a happy birthday.
In all honesty,am of the opinion that,people should be appreciated,recognised and rewarded for their efforts in their lifetime,not after they're dead.Posthumous awards can come after they've been recognised in their lifetime.The message is simple.."appreciate what you've got" before you have it no more!I will send my 'gratitude note' and post it on my Facebook profile,God willing.Each and everyone has made my day,and I am indeed very,very grateful.
Here're some of last weekend get-away as promised..Happy viewing....!!!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Running against time,again!

I didn't forget my husband's birthday in January, but I slipped on our Seventh year Anniversary (the unofficial year's actually twelve this Month) in February. I honestly wouldn't really want to be reminded it's my birthday tomorrow because, it feels like each time I have any reason to write down today's date; am reminded tomorrow's twelfth. It’ll soon be over and done with (nothing's happening by the way).I've never celebrated any birthday anniversary my entire life. Unless someone celebrated my birthday, on my behalf, without my consent and knowledge, and in absentia.Anyway, as far as I can recall, I haven't had any and I don't miss a thing. So unless someone's going to become a 'genii' (not me) and make my fantasies come true...I'm not expecting any gifts. At least nothing 'material’. Am sure I may get a couple of text messages and maybe having my birth date and month (no year, sorry) on Facebook Profile page, will mean~~~ posts on my wal~~~l.I'm actually used to most friends, virtually no family members (hubby forgets most times).Except maybe, my dad wherever part of the jungle he is (no pun intended)! Come to think of it! Does my mother even remember she had a child on that date decades back? Hmmm! Food for thought!

I can get away with not making this an avenue for anyone to remember because I also didn't 'popularise' my Blog in that sense. So am just chattering away, thinking out loud as usual because I'm on my own (but in the know what it means to be found wanting in the midst of plenty,huh?

Okay so I have drafted last weekend's road trip, but haven't been able to update my blog.The truth is, each time these thoughts goes through my head, I always wish I had a recorder.Yes,my two phones can record. But I need to make sure no one's around so they don't think am going nuts....sololoquizing,monologue or what? And I had once priced a midget because of this same reason a couple of years back. Now that technology's advanced to using mobile phones as recorders, one would think I would have stepped up too. At least, for the fact that am a wife to an IT man, somewhat...Now that I've thought of it, I may give it a try.Again,I don't think I'd be comfortable with anyone listening to me think out loud...We shall see!

We travelled to Durban last weekend...It was an excruciating six-hour plus drive that left me with fun memories and a lot of backache.But it was worth it.

We had seized the opportunity of a naming ceremony to "get-away”. Just like always, we didn't get enough time to move and look around as we ought to...I didn't even mention that we didn't 'shop' for souvenirs....That's actually normal when you travel with..Sorry, when 'I travel or go out with my hubby'.With him, time grows wings and flies with a speed of lightening.Huh! Huh!

I took a few pictures...donno how few really. But enough to say” we left Johannesburg".

I finally found out last week that am actually fine. Fine as in” health wise”. And I have finally accepted that my psychological state of health needs some overhauling. God help me! I won't say further!

One of my dearest cousins' planning a visit. I encouraged her to make the trip before her Visa expires and before she's unable to travel down to SA again, for visit. New ruels.Go figure!

So besides the expiration of her Visa towards the end of this month, I could also use some company from home. It would be really lovely to have a family member around. And we're also expecting two family-friends for the Easter holidays, at the Guest House very soon God willing. I am so looking forward to it.

The procrastination to commence my driving lessons should be coming to an end soon. We’ve spoken with the prospective driving school owner yesterday.Hopefully; I should commence in anytime now, God willing.

The only thing I can say about what the Doctor "confirmed" (cos I already know) is that,truly;there's something deep down in the depth of my heart that I can't let out to' just anybody' because it won't profer a solution...

I'm adaptive, no doubt. Sometimes I even think am taking that trait for granted. I get too comfortable and lay back, when I should be all out, fierce and rugged. The emptiness I feel’s what really gets to me. I feel spiritual emptiness because I don't attend religious activities and get involved in gatherings like I grew up doing. I just perform the basics, and basics aren't just enough for me...I thirst for more. Always have!

My social life is non-existent outside office.Socialising at office's merely an interaction and it doesn’t go beyond that. I have formed a friendship with a former staff who's more like a younger sister because that's the role I play to her. I give admonition where I can and she engages me in mentally stimulating coversasions...Something my brain yearns for more than I can tell.

For this reason, I do get homesick most often than not and feel a vacuum that's not been filled in the last three years. I just miss my families and friends because they make me feel whole. Here in SA, my life's become a recluse and it's not doing me any good.

I don't get fulfillment from just being a mother and wife alone. Am used to being a leader, a pacesetter, an initiator, a follower, a member, a friend, a mentor and I'm not filling that void with their respective duties. I’m not an 'ordinary' or 'regular' person in that sense. I always do more, want more challenge, feel more wanted and needed, make a difference,leave an imprint, set a pace...I'm used to people feeling my presence and impact. I don't get to do that beyond the office. I relate with people and partake in group activities back home.....I'm so, so underutilized!

But then again, maybe there's a purpose is on this 'unwanted' break. Maybe there's a reason am not getting the inspirations I'm used to having when am surrounded by my fellow brethren. I haven’t been able to write because the inspiration's just not coming. It was never this bad. I would have finished writing my books or be close to doing so, were I back home. And maybe not! But perhaps, there’s a reason...And it's still all good, right?

Chin up, Bili’, it will happen!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

When the going gets tough....

It's the third of March already,sighting the date makes my heart skip a beat these days.I feel like am counting down to something.Am I?
Well,it's my birthday in nine days'time,God willing.And the truth is I know better than be anxious to grow older because,growing old does not necessarily mean getting wiser.maybe more experience,yes.But even though we are faced with a lot of experiences,we may still fail to learn from our mistakes.So am in no hurry to grow older.
The receptionist left!We're back right where we started.It wasn't a surprise as always because small establishments like ours can't afford the locals.Can one blame them?Afterall,this is their homecountry!
I had an appointment with the GP on Monday only to be referred to a General Surgeon who wants to drain my already'empty' pocket.I should have known Medical Aids fuelled these big hospitals,and not the peanuts of ordinary civilians like me....This is the time i miss being home again.We may not be as organised as the'developed' nations,but we sure know how to 'do our thing'!It's either you've got a medical Aid or you're pushed around from one government clinic to the other,with frustration in SA.
I have picked my diary several times this week,in an attempt to update it.But it just never happened.I was always interrupted.I'm beginning to feel like am getting lazier by the day,but that's just not me.I don't feel as strong as I used to,physically that is.There are so many things I'd have done (like resume skipping to stay fit for a start).My sewing hasn't been regular as supposed.I managed to sew a Caftan as planned over the weekend and finished it up on Monday morning....I wore it to the office.I initially made a mess of it and then had to detach the sleeves and re-attach it again.The sleeves are about two and half inches longer than my arm ,but I managed to wear it like that...I folded it!I'll try to take pictures and post it later,God willing.

I sometimes fear,that I would just continue to "be" in this country and continue "dreaming".I fear that all the things I wish to do and accomplish will just keep slipping through my fingers and I would watch helplessly.It's been three years and over...and even my first degree's still limbo!My only consolation's that,I don't have the 'final' say on what am destined to be or become in life.And it's only human that I feel this way.But giving in to mediocrity is definately not an option for me.I won't surrender anytime way!
I just can't let life pass me by while I 'chin down' in defeat.I just don't see things happening for me in this country.There's no pessimism her,trust me! If only I had a choice!But I do,it's just not a 'better option'.There's a grey area there..It's not 'black or white'....But hey!Look at it this way,some people wish they have what I've got even though I may not see it as much.And for one to be grateful,one must look behind and not always ahead.So am grateful for God's favours on me....But am expected to want more,that's human nature.Some women would trade my place,but I want more...There's nothing wrong in being ambitious and wanting to get more out of life.You only need to know your boundaries and don't cross the line.What am asking for is not too much.I want to give my all,explore all my potentials and not be tied down to mediocrity because of sentiments.I want to be a good mother,a dutiful and supportive wife,yet an accomplished woman who's God-fearing above all.Is that too much to ask?
Am not chasing billions or racing through life to acquire and accumulate wealth for the sake of status.This life is ephemeral...I've never being extravagant in my sense of being.I am balanced and like moderation in all my dealings.At least,I try that I know for certain.So comfort for me's not just about living in a Ranch or owing a property on an Island.I just want to be comfortable.Though 'comfort' for me may be 'stylish,but simple.I like that Capitec bank slogan-"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication".
I think I had better let my thoughts hold for now.....