Wednesday, March 3, 2010

When the going gets tough....

It's the third of March already,sighting the date makes my heart skip a beat these days.I feel like am counting down to something.Am I?
Well,it's my birthday in nine days'time,God willing.And the truth is I know better than be anxious to grow older because,growing old does not necessarily mean getting wiser.maybe more experience,yes.But even though we are faced with a lot of experiences,we may still fail to learn from our mistakes.So am in no hurry to grow older.
The receptionist left!We're back right where we started.It wasn't a surprise as always because small establishments like ours can't afford the locals.Can one blame them?Afterall,this is their homecountry!
I had an appointment with the GP on Monday only to be referred to a General Surgeon who wants to drain my already'empty' pocket.I should have known Medical Aids fuelled these big hospitals,and not the peanuts of ordinary civilians like me....This is the time i miss being home again.We may not be as organised as the'developed' nations,but we sure know how to 'do our thing'!It's either you've got a medical Aid or you're pushed around from one government clinic to the other,with frustration in SA.
I have picked my diary several times this week,in an attempt to update it.But it just never happened.I was always interrupted.I'm beginning to feel like am getting lazier by the day,but that's just not me.I don't feel as strong as I used to,physically that is.There are so many things I'd have done (like resume skipping to stay fit for a start).My sewing hasn't been regular as supposed.I managed to sew a Caftan as planned over the weekend and finished it up on Monday morning....I wore it to the office.I initially made a mess of it and then had to detach the sleeves and re-attach it again.The sleeves are about two and half inches longer than my arm ,but I managed to wear it like that...I folded it!I'll try to take pictures and post it later,God willing.


I sometimes fear,that I would just continue to "be" in this country and continue "dreaming".I fear that all the things I wish to do and accomplish will just keep slipping through my fingers and I would watch helplessly.It's been three years and over...and even my first degree's still hanging..in limbo!My only consolation's that,I don't have the 'final' say on what am destined to be or become in life.And it's only human that I feel this way.But giving in to mediocrity is definately not an option for me.I won't surrender anytime soon...no way!
I just can't let life pass me by while I 'chin down' in defeat.I just don't see things happening for me in this country.There's no pessimism her,trust me! If only I had a choice!But I do,it's just not a 'better option'.There's a grey area there..It's not 'black or white'....But hey!Look at it this way,some people wish they have what I've got even though I may not see it as much.And for one to be grateful,one must look behind and not always ahead.So am grateful for God's favours on me....But am expected to want more,that's human nature.Some women would trade my place,but I want more...There's nothing wrong in being ambitious and wanting to get more out of life.You only need to know your boundaries and don't cross the line.What am asking for is not too much.I want to give my all,explore all my potentials and not be tied down to mediocrity because of sentiments.I want to be a good mother,a dutiful and supportive wife,yet an accomplished woman who's God-fearing above all.Is that too much to ask?
Am not chasing billions or racing through life to acquire and accumulate wealth for the sake of status.This life is ephemeral...I've never being extravagant in my sense of being.I am balanced and like moderation in all my dealings.At least,I try that I know for certain.So comfort for me's not just about living in a Ranch or owing a property on an Island.I just want to be comfortable.Though 'comfort' for me may be 'stylish,but simple.I like that Capitec bank slogan-"Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication".
I think I had better let my thoughts hold for now.....

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