"Lost but not found"...

"We can never live in the past as if it were our true home. And it is a good thing that God draws this veil over the past even without our asking. In so doing, He allows us to live today for tomorrow with just the few memories we need of what was"- Karl Barth

It’s easy to quote this saying, but difficult to adhere to. As much as I’m trying and willing to put the circumstances that led to the loss of my passport behind me, I can’t help but wonder “what really happened to it”. I have blamed myself for the loss. But that doesn’t make it any easier or less hurtful. I have now decided to accept it as the will of God. The uncertainty makes things more difficult too. The only option left was taking my passport (the new and ‘empty’ one) to home affairs, and having my ‘permit’ transferred. Finding a copy of the ‘Permit page’ wasn’t a walk at the park. It took a little brainstorming and am glad I came up with the solution. I have uttered less words regarding this unfortunate incident…I had done more of ruminating and self-criticism; internally.

Going to the Ned Bank for assistance seemed to be the only hope initially. We returned to the office, disappointed (with a fine of parking in the ‘loading area’-don’t ask me how?). My school would have been another option, but it’s clearly a ‘no-go area’. After much thought, I recalled the Licensing office. Yes, the Learner’s licensing permit I received last year. I mentioned that and, hubby never hesitated for once. He said that was our best bet. I was more optimistic than I had been in the past one week. We got there and waited for some minutes…but it was well worth every minute because-we got a copy of my permit page’. We didn’t realise it was going to be a long day ahead of us. After the whole meeting about the home affairs, we headed for what was supposed to be a ‘window shopping’. Hubby decided we bought the groceries for the kids eventually. I had thought we’d be going back to the office afterwards, but we couldn’t. The whole day had passed by so fast and we just had to go get the kids from school and head home…I haven’t stepped out of this house since that Friday evening.

I had to return to a piled up dish in the sink, and an improvisation for dinner. I did my best and even had to sacrifice the last dose of panado (aspirin for headache) for hubby. We both needed it. But I was fine the following morning…physically that is. But since then, I haven’t taken my mind off the shopping I need and had planned. We couldn’t get my permit signed and that left us with a ‘question mark? Would we still make it on Monday? Can we make it in time enough to catch our flight in the afternoon? If not, what date should we change the date to? And the questions just keep running through my head, non-stop.

This is clearly not the way I had envisioned this trip. Even though I wasn’t excited, I hadn’t envisaged that my plans would be disrupted this badly. Nothing’s going according to plan now, and it’s just not my style. I can’t even make a call through to my cousins announcing that we’d be coming down and make arrangements of who’s going to come get me and the kids from the airport. Some of them have no idea am even coming at all. And after all that’s happened, am definitely not keen on making that call. I know it doesn’t help me, but I just can’t shake the disappointment off or pretend like nothing happened. It has put a lot of strain on us financially and has really halted my plans. If things don’t work out as planned, I guess I’d just have to leave with whatever I’ve got and keep narrating my story: “I lost my passport, we had to get a new one, with the permit of me and my daughter’. We’ve spent beyond our budget and have incurred an unplanned and unnecessary expense”...Blah! Blah!!Blah!!!

I guess there’s nothing to be excited about afterall…It’s so depressing!