Saturday, December 25, 2010

just chilling...

Who says flying ‘solo’ can’t be fun? Think again! It’s Christmas holiday and as usual, my neighbourhood has little or nothing to show for it. With hubby being away, me being pathetically helpless with driving, the kids and I are as good as stuck until hubby returns. I think we’re looking at nothing less than a week from today. God, help me! Alright, so I can’t have discussions with the kids, but they sure know how to ask tens of questions, the ones they already have answers to; and the ones they really need answers to.
I’ve had some good laugh watching these School drama and a romantic comedy…The Perfect Holiday, Just My Luck and Sydney White. And showing now is “the Ultimate Gift (Local Channel). I had to choose between that and “Surviving Christmas” on another Local Channel. The kids have turned the bed in the guest room into their ‘jumping castle’. Can you blame them? This is really one of those times I wish I had learnt to drive…So now am doing what is not really appropriate. Seeing Ben Affleck on the other movie” Surviving Christmas” got me interested and I’m going to keep switching…ha ha ha ha!
Ok, back to the movie now!

Friday, December 24, 2010

My Aspirations...

God, I don’t want to leave this world without fulfilling the mission you have in store for me. I’m so tired of saying I want to do something, I wished that I had the opportunity to do more and be more, I wished that things were different, that I want to be something big…I’m so tired and am almost losing hope. What would it take to move from where I am, to where I want to be? What would it take to really be relevant and part of something historical? I have tried to be open-minded and unbiased in my thoughts and assumptions. But it seems I won’t be able to do much where am at now. It’s limited my chances and choices. It hasn’t given me that room to explore more options and just do what I really want to do and be. It’s easy for one to be judged wrongly, especially if all you do is “talk about” what you wish to do, without an action to walk the talk.
The 2010 CNN Heroes really inspired me and reminded me that I can still do something memorable. That perhaps, I shouldn’t be in a hurry to fulfill this calling. The nominees were much older and am wondering if that’s what am supposed to do: nurture the thoughts now and wait for the future to execute them. Will I live long enough to do something for humanity? Will my voice be heard before I answer the call of my Creator? Will that opportunity come from here (South Africa) ?Will that opportunity ever prevail itself? Am I asking for too much? Should I start to learn their languages because I want it to ease my campaign against crime violence to women and children? Where should I go? How do I get to that place that I really want to be, to be part of something monumental for humanity?
I can start by writing about it, and not just nurturing the thoughts…I shall start with prayers that God see me through, and make my words a source of relief and consolation for everyone who needs it…My fate is in your hands my Lord. Please see me through, show me the way and lead me there, by Your Grace.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Night out with hubby!

Last two Fridays, ( December 10th) hubby asked to take me out. I knew he wasn’t joking because he seemed to be in a vey playful mood. And with him, talks like that don’t come often. I didn’t really act all excited because I’ve sort of adopted our recluse lifestyle without much complaints like I do in the past. So in his usual manner, he suggested we went to a Restaurant (this was more like a tradition for occasional family outings), I declined. If he wanted to take me out, he had to give room for my opinion or I throw that offer out of the window (I didn’t say this out loud for your info).Fortunately enough, he didn’t argue when I suggested that I’d rather go to the Movies because just eating wouldn’t make much difference for once in two years outing…don’t ask! I got a double-package instead. We had been at the office all day and were both hungry. This was a good thing as my low appetite doesn’t really sit down well with him. I end up bringing remnants of my dinner home; during family outings. So I usually tell him to avoid making hasty and impromptu decisions and to tell me ahead. You can guess how many times that happens…
We got home and we had some minutes to freshen up and off we went. First we had dinner at some Sea Food Restaurant called ‘Cape Town Fish Market’ (CTFM)…I had never heard of them until that day. We do dine at ‘Oceans Basket’ for Sea Food dishes and ‘Spur Steak ranches’ ,for what the name implies. When we want to go local and corporate, we eat out at ‘Home Baze’ (a Nigerian owned Restaurant spreading across Gauteng now, with about four to five Branches. When we want to give our guests a ‘classy’ touch of Nigeria’s local delicacy, we take them to Sandton. That’s the only branch I’ve been by the way. The reason am saying ‘classy’s simply because there is a Nigerian restaurant right next door to us, at the office. That’s just for regulars and it’s a one-man show (sorry, I meant one-woman show). The restaurant is owned by a lady and managed by her alone.
Back to my ‘night out with hubby’…So we actually stood in front of this ‘nameless’ restaurant for s few minutes, I was attracted to the aquarium (I love aquarium) that was displayed outside just before the entrance of the restaurant. A good marketing strategy for a Sea Food restaurant if you asked me. So we eventually decided to give it a try and there were no regrets. Although, the space was barely enough for customers that chose to be inside rather than in the open space just right across; but we tried to enjoy the meal and pay little attention to the limited space. We ordered starters, I had calamari with some sauce I can’t recall now. It was fried and I ordered the roasted one as my main course. There was no room for dessert. I couldn’t finish my main course and had requested that I’d be taking whatever is left of my meal home, before I even got started. I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish it. We enjoyed the meal amidst the stares and glares. Hubby didn’t mince words in emphasizing what he usually says-That the blacks in this country do not go out, eat out, dine because they cannot afford it. Now I normally disagree with him on that assumption because I happen to know more about their social lifestyle that he does. But he wouldn’t agree. We were the only black folks at this restaurant and it was very evident we were foreigners. They probably would have mistaken us for tourists. So this family of four beside our table were particularly interested in us, or should I say me because the stares were on me. And so was another family two adjacent tables to our right. I absorbed it as I get this “all the time”. Trust me, that isn’t just like repeating a common phrase…I get stares everywhere I go. And now, am kind of getting used to it to the point of amusement. I just laugh it off.
After dinner, we went to Sterkinekor-The Cinema. I had just seen the preview of Denzel Washington’s ‘Unstoppable’ before we left home that evening. I had seen it prior that too and had told myself this was a movie I’d love to see. So we perused through and it was going to be shown by couldn’t wait that long, we had kids to go back home to. It was already 8.p.m and any movie we were going to see wasn’t going to be less than two hours; maybe a few minutes difference. Since we do not usually get to go out alone, I wanted something for a mature audience like Denzel’s action-packed ‘Unstoppable’. I asked hubby that we just go back home and that I didn’t feel like ‘comedy’… Jamie Lee Curtis & Sigourney Weaver’s “You Again” was on. But he says let’s just go see that anyway, we did and I loved it…end of story. That was how we spent our evening!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It just never ends...

Welcome to - “ The never-ending story of my life”!

Okay, I did the unusual yesterday, I mean last night. I went to bed before 9.p.m. It was actually a few minutes past 8p.m.Hubby came in from the lounge and asked what was wrong. I replied that I was tired. I had decided to sleep earlier than I usually do because I need to get to the root of this sleepy feeling, every morning. I may not be able to diagnose anything, but I was going to try my unconventional method of elimination first. What happened as a result of that was being awoken by 2 a.m and not being able to go back to sleep, till now…It’s 1.15p.m now and am not getting any sleep until later at night…I will be just fine!
Some days are better than others. They say when there's life there's still hope. And it is with these thoughts that I pray, not just 'hope' that my father returns home some day. What else can I say? When you're related, you're related. You don't change that fact just by denouncing it.
My father clocked fifty-seven yesterday. Unless am mistaken, yesterday was his birthday. How does one explain his non-appearance at family functions and his constant absence from his closest family members? I think the relocation of my siblings to Ghana, planned or not was a blessing in disguise. The truth is, without sentiments, I have never regarded my father as an irresponsible man because he is not. I know that may sound biased, but he's not. Besides myself, my younger ones had the privilege of being catered for and looked after by him. At least to a very large extent. The presence of their mom (my step-mom) did not mean he dumped his parental duties on her. Besides, how would the poor woman have survived with six children to care for?
I cannot also say they had it all rosy, on the contrary. They had rough times and weathered it together. He gave them primary and secondary education and wished for them to go beyond that, even though that will was not backed by action...It was the 'plan'. Financial constraints have prevented him from giving them a better upbringing. But considering that he almost isolated himself and settled in a very rural village; I think he excelled.
This also did not prevent my sister from having a child at an early age. She succeeded in giving my father his very first grandchild...I have no idea what really went down there, but at least, she became a mother before me. She must have been about eighteen years of age at the time, or thereabout; but definately not older. That, am sure!
I know I can't really help this feeling of wanting to be a part of their lives, being there for them when they need a sisterly love and care (I still crave that too).But the reality is, that may never happen in this lifetime. However pessimistic or hopeless that may sound, it's the fact and here's why: There are four girls 'unmarried' now amongst my siblings (at least I hope so).So I pray they eventually find responsible God-fearing men to settle down with. That will happen sooner or later. When it finally does, we'd be more apart than we are presently. So that's the reality. I don't know if they would remain in that part of the planet or farther away in Europe. Time will tell!
With the level of technology today, I would have thought they would make some efforts to  contact me...wishful thinking. Perhaps, they need the technology that will allow tele-transport or 'time-travelling'...Just looking at the comic side of things. It's better than feeling helpless and frustrated.
The more I think about my families, the more it feels like I was never really meant to be any part of it...They all keep going a different direction, going their own ways, they leave. I left too, but only when it was a natural thing to do. I left home as a result of marriage. I would never have deserted my families under a different circumstance. Even I had to school in another country, I would come back home. If I lived thousands of miles away, I would write letters, send text messages now that there’s mobile/cellular phones, I would send emails if they had access to the internet, I would communicate them regularly through Social networks on the Internet, and would call occasionally. My father still kept copies of the letter I wrote to him while I was a child in my elementary school days. He even showed me one of such some years back.
Now that I have no slightest clue what's going on in everybody's lives, I guess I should just continue to pray and hope we still meet in this lifetime, since am still alive.
Oh! And I guess I can still wish my old man a happy birthday afterall. I pray God grants him a longer life so that when I am granted that as well, I may look for him, find him and tell whatever I've got to say to him.
Today's my lil' cousin's birthday actually. She got her wishes already on Facebook...I wish her nothing short of God's mercy and immense blessings...
I may be back here later today if God wills..can't say yet!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Once upon a girl...True Tale!

Once upon a girl who chases the unattainable, seeks that which cannot be held unto, racing against tides, trying relentlessly to elude destiny, questioning fate, cursing life for being brutal and utterly unfair. Yet, remaining faithful and hopeful, taking solace in her innermost and most private spirituality. Inspite of life’s numerous and seemingly endless disappointments, she holds on to her beliefs, values, morality, honesty, openness, loyalty and unconditional love. She believes no matter how unkind life might have been to you, you can love someone, love people; even though they don’t love you back in return. Her large-heartedness brought her aches and pains, subjected her to being taken advantage of, made her helplessly vulnerable; but she bore it all in strides, turned it around as a weapon of strength rather than weakness…A loving heart is not a vice, contrary to what the world may make it seem. Since when did being good become a bad thing?
In the twists and turns of life, some are still fortunate  enough to have discovered their self-worth in time. Fortunate enough to discover their strengths, weaknesses/shortcomings, gifts, talents, grace and blessing (s). ‘In-time’ here would mean before they get into life’s many commitments,, making lifelong decisions life choosing a path to follow, a career/profession, being in a relationship, bearing children. Some on the other hand are left in the woods. They remain in the dark until, maybe too late to make a U-turn…irreparable damage. But in all these, your Creator knows better. Hence commands procreation, the union of the two sexes, yet permits separation, allows the dissolution of this sacred unity; because He knows you more than you do yourself. As sacred as marriage is, these two different individuals may not be tolerant enough to spend the rest of their lives together. They may not be meant for each other. So why force them to remain together when their happiness lies with someone else? The subject is debatable as different faiths have different submission on that…It’s a ‘free’ world and everyone’s free to their opinion.
Your Maker knows you better than anyone does. How Magnificent!
In mankind’s quest for peace for peace, tranquility, happiness, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction and contentment, you crave the mercy of a Superior Power, seek the bountiful blessing of your Creator, and that’s where religion comes in. But no matter what you do, no matter your level of righteousness, the devil remains an open enemy. The battle never ends until death comes knocking on your door. It’s an endless battle for the redemption of your soul!
This girl is one of those, who just needs a pat on the back, an attentive ear, a shoulder to cry on. But naivety or innocence couldn’t rescue her. Ignorance couldn’t protect her from becoming a victim. It took her an awful long time to figure out where her strength lies. It took her several mistakes and wrong choices to find her inner strength. For someone who loves naturally, gives willingly and feels without struggle, the world wasn’t just ready to give her all that back in return. Had it not been for her faith, she would have discarded the thought that life was worth living. If not for her friends, she would have remained in her own little world, her cocoon and haven, remaining isolated. If not the Grace she’s bestowed, she would have relinquished faith and lost hope…It’s a cruel world afterall!
You know, you meet people at different stages of your life. Everyone knows you differently. People appreciate you for different reasons, they commend you, they love you differently for reasons best known to them. But they all know you differently, and just a handful may know you very well, know you more than others do. Some may just know you to be friendly, a sweetheart, your weakness, simply brilliant, they see you frown, get upset, appreciate your strength, know you’ve got a loving nature, a caring and kind heart and they know what brings out the best in you. Just a handful may appreciate your sensitivity and maybe your emotionally-needy nature. You may just spend your lifetime with someone, you hope would return your feelings, appreciate your sense of value, respect your principle, your appreciation for the finer things in life and the resilience to hold on to your values without compromise, come what may. You may be stuck with someone who constantly expects you to read between the lines. Someone, anyone who despite being the closest to you just doesn’t see what someone distant sees. This person may be ignorant or negligent, or disastrously a combination of both, to your need for attention, a little affection, some tender love and care (call it TLC).
You may just end up working and striving so hard on your own to find solace in your spirituality. You console yourself knowing that, your silent cries and unspoken hurts are only communicated to “The One” Who needs not your utterance to know what’s weighing heavily on your mind. Your undying wishes to be appreciated, be with that person who also appreciates your sensuality, intangible generousity, accept your flaws and loves you nonetheless. You find comfort in knowing that, being denied these wishes here on earth is a blessing for the ‘Afterlife’. That your compensation for the Hereafter would be far more gratifying and satisfying beyond what your mind could ever imagine.
You may feel loved from so many different directions, it may still not be enough to fill that void from one single person…The “One” you sought, found, but could not and will not “have”; yet never cease to long for!
On her own, in her quiet moments, she gets closer to her Creator like no one has ever witnessed and may never know. She trembles at the mention of His name, feels a tremor in her heart. She seeks forgiveness for this major weakness. She akin towards repentance. For she alone knows what the unuttered desires are, the silent unspoken wishes, and all these are “constant reminders for her that, she is only human”. She should not equate herself with the “chosen ones”. She is not a “Saint”. She must therefore continue to be repentant and remorseful, If her general actions speak well for her, she still cannot remain infallible-that is an attribute only for a Superior Power-her Creator. She cannot remain flawless, however commendable her character, holding no grudges or rancour against anyone. She may otherwise see herself as a ‘superior being’ to others. She has to be constantly reminded that she is but human, she is given something to worry about, something to long and wish for…knowing they may not come to reality, wishes that may not get granted…So she is allowed to dream too…She will continue to fight the battle of her desires. She will strive to fill the vacuum that she only knows the depth. She will continually wrestle with her passion, her longings and wishes…
The story of “once upon a girl”, is not just a fairytale. Women find themselves in such situations everyday. Caught in-between two worlds, “to walk away or not”…It is not as simple as “black and white”, there may be a ‘grey area’…But whatever you do, be sure to remember what comes first, what follows that, and what comes next. GOD FIRST, anything else in-between, but, DO NOT PUT YOURSELF LAST!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

need a lil' distraction...

The move...
I’m not shy to admit I had some reservations about Jennifer Love Hewitt. I think the fact that she’s not in your face everytime you see or hear about Hollywood, has something to do with my reservations. I always like to see what role she’d play and if she’s truly talented…You know? Not jus a pretty face thang! So it was with this mindset that I decided to see this late night movie…”IF ONLY”! It was interesting. That’s all I’ve got to say, see it to believe it. I loved the movie. It starred Jennifer, a British guy named Paul Nichols and an older British man, a familiar face, Tim Hopkins. What can I say? The movie was just interesting and I think I saw a little bit of myself in Jennifer, let’s just leave it at that!
I remember I intended to compose a Poem, before this time last year. The South African Broadcasting corporation (SABC2) organised a contest and had different themes. One of the themes was HIV/AIDS. But I didn’t submit any entry. I hadn’t the space and time to compose one. But then again, I know the ‘politics’ they play with everything that allows an immigrant to partake in competitions/contests…”They do not play fair”! I intend to give it a shot sometime in the future, just not now. It would further re-affirm what I already know.

My daughter’s long holidays started today. I do not understand why the school expects us to pay a full month’s fee for eight days. If she had gone for the rest of this week up until next Friday, that would be eight days. Anyway, what would she be doing except play. She’s even better off being home. Am not expecting her to do anything productive, but she’s better off at home’cause there’s someone to look after her, and she’ll be well fed. I may bring her along tomorrow. I’m guessing she’d be bored now. She may play on her own, but she has a better companion in her brother; whose not getting to stay home until next Friday, the 10th,God willing...
I need this distraction, what am working on will end up giving me headache if I do not take this break...