Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I should be in bed, not because it’s late; but because am kind of sleepy. And mainly because I haven’t been sleeping well. Sometimes, I wonder if I won’t opt to stay awake, had nature given me an alternative. It seems I prefer to stay awake, than to eat or sleep. Anyway, I think my migraine finally subsiding was a relief. I’ve had a lot on my mind lately. So much that I may have shared with someone that would care to listen. I try to live each day as if I’ve put all these ravaging thoughts behind me, but I haven’t. I haven’t dealt with my granny’s passing away, with not knowing my father’s whereabouts, with not knowing how my siblings are doing; being scattered between Nigeria and Ghana. I’m worried-sick, disturbed and highly perturbed about the way my families are just scattered all over, without been able to contact anyone of them. I’ve not been told by anyone that they have heard from my father or my younger ones..…I think I better go to bed now. Sleep will eventually come. Staying a minute longer here alone will only bring back the thoughts that gives me headache and makes my heart ache. Especially when there’s nothing I can possibly do about it presently. I’ve been feeling a lil’ homesick lately. It’s not like I miss going around or eating something different for a change. I just miss my families. I miss them dearly and wish I could see everyone. I’ve also been slightly concerned because it appears everyone’s been unusually quiet lately. I pray all’s well with them all.
….Still awake! I’ve got a mixed feeling about my father’s incommunicado. It’s easy for people to think that life is easy and that an adult like myself shouldn’t be bothered about having a father or mother around. But how easy is that? I can’t even reconnect with my mother. What’s there to reconnect? There was never a connection there to begin with. So if I had even been considering reuniting with her through my father, how am I supposed to do that when I’ve got no slightest clue where he is? I mean, I may not have mentioned it at all, but I was silently hurting and devastated that he was nowhere to be found when his mother passed away. I doubt my Uncle has been able to contact him either. With today’s level of technological advancement, one would have thought that, my younger ones would consider getting in touch via electronic or post mail. They may not even be able to afford a phone call. But the good old fashion way of letter mailing still works; just may take a little longer. I would have thought they would think of that option. So is it true what they say that the blood relation from mother is stronger than that of the father’s? Am I supposed to believe this or just discard it as a superstition? Am bleeding within, am hurting deep down inside; yet no one’s meeting me halfway. There were times I felt guilty and almost irresponsible because I feel it was my duty as the oldest child to find my younger ones. But how do you find people who aren’t using their initiatives? I have tried the numbers I was given to no avail. Maybe I should retry the numbers again tomorrow and see what happens next. My father’s in the habit of giving things away and this includes his SIM card. How does one reach him when he keeps changing his numbers sporadically? I do not even know what to do with the man’s situation. And the family thinks I’ve been in contact with him, because he’s my father. Well, what can I say? I am his daughter and that’s a fact that’s not going to change, whether I renounce him as one or refuse to call him my father. His blood flows in my body…God! This is so exhausting and tiring. Olohun, temi dowo re o!
Nice night!
2250Hours
081110

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