Each time I read profiles of Writers,established and renowned authors,they seem to agree on one thing for a prospective writer-"just write".To be candid,till this very moment,I don't know how that works because I think it can also translate to writing rubbish.Okay,so am an ambitious, weary and worrying wart.I want many things but still want to give so much more.I don't want to set limits now.I get too deep in thoughts and sometimes have a stop-over where am not supposed to...like ugly pasts and regrets,irreparable loss and costly mistakes...But of what good are all these flashbacks and down memory lane if I can't relate it with the present or connect it with the future?I honestly can't even answer that question myself.I am an ardent and fanatical (in a good way though) reader of "Quotations,motivational/inspirational books and writings".I never hesitate once I see one,I just "read".I try to toss it round my head,relate with it and somewhat assign it to an aspect of my life or of someone I know.And it just ends right there and then.It's like' garbage in,garbage out'....what a waste of knowledge! I end up searching my head for a useful one when I need to buttress a point in a conversation. It never comes and then I ask myself of what use is the time I spend reading,writing and presumably digesting all these stuffs?Lord help me!Well,I guess it is part of the 'writer' in me. I don't mind writing them,besides,perhaps,someday,someone will stumble over them when am gone six feet under. Hence, get a glimpse of what I stood for,what my life meant,what my philosophy of life is/was,what principles I held very dearly and what I believe (d) in. And that,as simple and as uncomplicated as I am,I am a sort of an enigma that can't completely be unravelled,may be misunderstood, misjudged, prejudged,too good to be true but not infallible being.The goodness in me surpasses the monster in me-I know that for certain.That I could be angry,get really nasty when pissed,and be seclusive when I just need to be alone, still,a gentle soul is discovered beneath the surface of all that.
That I spend so much time meditating,dreaming,living in imaginations,aiming high and believing in the power of my 'imaginary world".A world where I hope that,will bring to life;my dreams,ambitions,aspirations,wishes and fulfillment.
I read somewhere that the human mind is a powerful thing to waste.I so believe in that saying and couldn't agree more.The mind is a powerful tool depending on what it is used for because,to achieve it,you need to dream it first.Who says "dreams die"? It only dies when you want it to, you can never stop dreaming!The reality of the dream lies in your hands.What you do in making that dream come to fruition is entirely up to you.And even though what people see when they look at me is,a female creature,woman,covered from up downwards,the face that either glows of is straight and almost expressionless,sometimes looking serious,deep in thoughts and far away in your own world,there is so much more lieing beneath that scarf and the outer garments. I do not enjoy having to say "am this and that'.I never stop wishing that I would just be known and not be judged before that.Am mostly being misconceived until I decide to make a statement.And this taught me something too-not to be judgemental, insinuate, presume, assume, misconceive or misjudge until I get to know what lies beneath the surface.To give a second chance when needed and not throw away the baby with the bath water.To give a benefit of doubt and have an open mind.I have done all these and more-it benefitted me immensely.That I see the goodness in people doesn't make me gullible.That I tend to believe,trust more than be suspicious or distrust does not make me a fool.I think that everyone deserves that chance to prove themselves before they are condemned or doomed for destruction.
What kind of a leader would I make?A passive one?Absolutely not.I could be overwhelmingly friendly,yet firm.I have the gift of understanding people and relating with them,irrespective of their make-up,skin colour,gender,virtues or vices and I know that;even though the human race is the most complicated of all God's creatures,I will survive the turbulence because I know how!!!
The case of the preacher and the listener? I play that role-A mentor.But it does not eliminate the fact that, I need to be mentored too.That I like to put a smile on a worried face and gladden a troubled mind, it gives me great satisfaction.It makes me happy to be able to do this.I believe that materialism isn't the only means of granting happiness.If that was the case, I wouldn't be able to make such positive impact.Am glad that,in my own little way,unknown,unannounced, and unrecognised, I have played a positive role in the lives of some people-which is why I am still considering publishing my "Book of Gratitude" someday;God willing.I wish that,I would be financially capable of publishing it without having to worry so much about the costs.
Writing is therapeutic for me.So,I guess this is my own little 'hideout',my get-away from the happenings around me and the world for a moment.
I feel like the world's taken more than it gave to me.And what I want in return is to get more, deservingly.I go back in retrospect and the future seems to be a consolation to that,God-willing.Friends keep telling me that am a strong woman,stronger than I look.I want to see myself through their eyes...from mine,it's a different view.Being weak when I needed to be strong caused that damage and it's been a bumpy ride ever since.I keep reminding myself that,I need to believe that too,that am a lot stronger than that helpless,lost&fragile teenager who craved attention and acknowledgement,who at a point thought what she dreamt would only remain a dream and nothing more. Hence,gave up on herself and discarded her dreams-That girl was a teenager!Am older now, am a grown woman, wiser,more determined,mature, and I know better now.For no matter how much encouragement you get from people,the onus is on you to believe in yourself or choose the easier way out,give-up...I won't thread that path,not anymore.Am here to stay,for good and this is just the beginning. I know not what the future holds in store,I guess the world shall just wait to see.I aim to disabuse biased minds, correct misconceptions and eliminate prejudice,something phenomenal will be unlocked, the future will bring this to fruition, God willing!
And I rest my wrists for now....!!!
originally written in October of2008